Cracking

I like to say that I live in a bubble. Some might say that I live in denial but I like to call it self preservation. I take great measures to shield myself from the happenings in the world and sometimes life in general.

Some may think that it is irresponsible but it is the only real way I have to protect me.

In my profession, I deal with the sick of the sickest people. I watch mother's loose their children, son's loose their fathers and so on. There is sadness and pain all around me. I can't let these things into my heart. I can't get attached. This doesn't mean that I don't care. I just have to be the strong one, the one that they can lean on. I have to try and help them find hope or something to hold onto when their world is tumbling down around them.

In my home life, I am a mother. I have four children, four pieces of my heart walking around outside of my body. Walking around out there where the world can take them at any time. These little people need me. They need me to show them to goodness and beauty of the world. I need to be strong for them when life is tough. I need to be the one strong constant in their life so that they can learn from me how to deal with the hardships. Be it frustration in not getting a toy to work, be it the sting of failure or pain and heartache of loss.

So I live in a bubble. I put walls up around my heart and stand strong. I will not let life not to get to us. But sometimes, no matter how strong my will is, life penetrates my bubble. It can be just a small hole with an easy fix or it can be a very large crack needing more attention.

My bubble is cracking.

This crack is not caused my something large but by many small things that have come at me. There are many things that I need to come to terms with. There are many things that I need to stop taking care of myself and leave them at the feet of my Lord.

Because sometimes, no matter how strong I am, I am not that strong.

It is time for me to step outside my bubble and deal with things. I have to let myself feel. I have to let myself cry and for a few moments I have to let myself be weak and vulnerable.

And even though, I know that the world is full or sadness and pain and it is going to touch me. I also know that there is goodness, joy and love in the world. I am going to use this to rebuild my bubble.

I am going to stand in the sun and let the warmth bathe over me.

I am going to take in the beauty of the crisp winter sky.

I am going to breath deeply.

I am going to cry until the tears are gone.

I am going to laugh until my sides ache.

I am going to enjoy my children.

I am going to love my husband.

I am going to write.

I am going to pray.

And I am going to be ok.