It was an unusual morning this morning because Hayden had a sleep over with one of his Grandmas and he is not home. So that means after the babies are fed and dressed, I can watch the Today Show, instead of morning cartoons. I had just turned it on when they said, "After the commercial break, we will hear from a couple who had sex for 101 days straight." This of course peaked my interest, so I sat down to watch, leaving the babies to fend for themselves (sorta of).
They were a very normal looking couple who had been together for 14 years with kids, jobs, and a busy, hectic life. They were looking to spice up their marriage a little. At first, I thought that they were crazy. Sex for 101 days? Won't something fall off or out? Is that possible? But as I listened, I grew more and more intrigued. They were not weirdos trying to get on TV but a real couple that I could relate to.
The show was also running facts about marriage and sex like the average married couple only has sex 66 times a year. Younger married couple has sex 84 times a year (whats wrong with them). 3-4% percent of married people, have sex outside of the marriage.
The host asked them what they learned or got from this experience, besides the obvious? They said that they touch more now. They said that there were days when they wouldn't even touch each other besides a little peck and that was at the end of the day before bed. I don't know about you, but boy can I relate.
I turned the TV off and went about my normal morning stuff but I could not get this idea out of my head. The idea of having sex that much. What if you don't want to? What if you are too tired? (I like sex just as much as the next person but after a long day of running after the kids, it is the last thing on my mind.) The couple address this as well, they said that they had made a commitment to do this no matter what. And at the end of the day, it wasn't about the sex it was about the time spent together, the intimacy (Isn't that really what sex is all about. Being close together and sharing our love. I think that we all could use more of that).
I can only speak for myself but I know that since kids and other things in life our marriage has changed (not bad, just changed). Life is busy and just like in my previous post, between the kids, job, house, cleaning, groceries, laundry, family events, etc, etc, etc, I tend to let myself and my marriage go. I do not do this on purpose. It just seems odd to me that with all of the business of life, I push the man, that I love more than words can say, to the back ground.
Now, I am not committing to this (yet) but I do think that I might read their book, "Just Do It."
So what do you think? How do you make it work, not your sex life, but the balance? How do you find the balance so that everyone is happy and satisfied. Can it be done? If anything, this is just something to think and reflect about. I have to get going, my busy hectic life is screaming at me for some attention.
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79 comments:
i would imagine that after reading this post, your husband is probably on his way home for "lunch" today. ;)
p.s. if you make it 100 days in a row i will have a statue made in your honor!!
I think my son was wise in choosing you as his wife, and I am thrilled that you both recognize the value of time spent together. You are lucky to have each other.
Love--your other Mom
I second the "statue made in your honor" idea!!!
Too. Much. Sex.
Nope.
Not interested.
Hi! I'm Heather's mom (mindless Junque blog) and your post is not mindless junque! I got out of a 32 year marriage that included practically NO touching or anything else intimate for that matter. That is so very hard on everyone's self-esteem. Here is some advise from an "old lady": Don't let a day go by without looking into your husband or wife's eyes for 10 long seconds and saying, "I love you, ____." Use their name. You will be surprised how hard that is but how powerful that kind of "sex" is. I am now remarried to a wonderful guy I found on the internet, of all things! We have promised each other to never let time go by without verbally affirming our love. It is the kind of "sex" you can have 101 days in a row!!
Oh, my balance is all off, I'll admit it. It's hard to make everything work with kids in the house (and an elderly father) and a demanding career.
I think the more sex you have, the better connected most couples are. The more physical contact, the better. But, it's hard to achieve.
I am a today show junkie and I missed that segment. I think it's a great message -- it's very easy to let the little things slide after baby and put chemistry on the back burner.
I admire your post, but I have to admit it...this does NOT appeal to me at all. Spending quality time together every day, touching everyday, I could do. Sex everyday? Notsomuch. Sorry, hubby of mine, I'm just too tired.
I personally think more than once a month is way too much :)
101 days?? I think not!!
Having sex every day no matter what just makes you a robot. Intimacy doesn't have to mean sex. It is really really hard when you have children because, as you say, you are so bloody tired all the time but hubby and I do try to make as much 'us' time as possible and that can be something as simple as hugging on the sofa.
I'm with 'summerplace'. plus no one sets out what 'sex' is. Touching is sometimes sufficient, it doesn't always have to resemble a porn set.
I suppose I wouldn't mind it everyday prekids. Now it is just harder to pull off. I have found this interesting, though, that since I started eating vegan and sugarfree, I want sex more and the sex is MUCH BETTER. But my husband and I have our off nights when I sit on the computer and he watches TV and then there are those nights of intimacy that are sex-free--maybe a long chat while sitting in the bathtub together. But, man, when on vacation, just the two of us, he can't keep up with me! :) TMI, sorry!
I think it is a really interesting idea. After the birth of my son, my hubby and I had a real dry spell. (And I mean a REAL dry spell...) A couple of months ago, I heard someone talking about how you shouldn't wait for inspiration before you take on something new--you should start working on the new thing first, and inspiration would follow. I thought that it might apply to sex as well, so I thought I would give it a shot. I made a commitment to be VERY VERY selective about turning hubby down, and to make a real commitment to accepting his "advances." It took a while, but now things are SO MUCH BETTER. Now I accept b/c I really want to have sex, too! Woo-hoo! I didn't think that would ever happen again!
So anyway, I can see how this could be a really good thing!
I saw this Today Show and i was intrigued too. I thought that it was interesting that they may not have wanted to do it but were committed to the "process" and forged ahead.
The balance is tricky, there are always things to do and many times I am bushed at the end of the day. The important thing I think is being cognizant of the need for balance and always working on maintaining a balance.
Congrats on your SITS day!
I love, love, love this post! Not just because I am a newlywed with kids, but also because i was just trying to explain this exact same thing to my husband last night. Thanks for helping me prove to him that it is more about the intamcy than the orgasm sometimes! He gets so worried if he doesn't "please me" everytime. I tell him that it doesn't always matter.
I read about this in a magazine recently. I commend them, I'm just not sure it would be possible for us.
First off, congrats on being the SITS featured blogger today! :)
Now...after our second child was born (less than a year after our first), sex was the LAST thing on my mind. We did not do what these people did, but, in order to kick start our lives back into gear, we did have a 'schedule' we kept to no matter what. And ya know what? It worked. It was the craziest thing but it totally worked.
I commend anyone who would try this!
unfortunately, as a single woman, i can't comment from my experience but from those of my close married friends....it seems they all struggle with the balance thing once kids came along. but, they learned the importance of trying their darndest to maintain that intimacy and tried their darndest to be creative in their sex life! one friend swears by "kamasutra" while another tries all sorts of creative things!! you go girl!! good luck!
Hallelujah! Yep, I'm right there with you. In fact, my husband asked last night (around 1am as I was trying to go to sleep) if he could try to schedule some sex tonight. Somehow, that gets pushed SOOOO far down my priority list.
What a brilliant post - I saw this same segment and you know my first thought? "I could do that if I had laser hair removal." Seriously. Or could you just aim for 3 days a week, because I know some husbands (that shall remain anonymous...ahem) that would be thrilled with THAT improvement!
I've found that keeping the balance means constantly shifting what I can say "yes" or "no" to. We might take on more than we can reasonably do, so we have to go back and occasionally back out of something if we're overcommitted.
I do kind of feel that EVERY DAY is a bit much. There are days, like yesterday, when we just come home from work and crash. Certainly intimacy everyday is a good thing, but actual sex might be difficult to acheive. Of course, I might be singing a different tune in a few weeks when My Sweet Husband starts his new job that requires lots of travel.
Great post! It is so hard to prioritize between yourself, your husband, and your kids (and in my case, we only have one kid - ha!). I don't know if I would be up for having sex every day. I remember going through brief times of that while my husband and I were TTC (like 5 days in a row), and I was seriously sore. Is it like working out where you don't get sore anymore if you do it all the time? lol. In all seriousness though, I did make a New Years' resolution this year (which I NEVER do) to have more sex. It is good for our marriage, and we are having more sex now than pre-TTC at least. Happy SITS day!
My husband would be all for it. I think I'd be too exhausted every day to even think about it. But if he actually helped me out with the kids or something else, I'd be much more willing to even consider it. Hell, if he did the dishes and laundry? I might just have an "O" right then and there on the spot. I could definitely do THAT every day.
I would think this would take away some of the intimacy. I agree that being intimate should be the goal and not so much the sex.
Congrats on your feature!
You'll have to let us know if you try this. I have good intentions when it comes to trying to have sex more but sometimes it is difficult to get into when all you want to do is sleep.
I'd have to agree with Mama's Losin It! :)
Congratz on being today's SITSta!
I heard about this couple too...and was intrigued....101 days! That's a long time. When the kids are little, it is easy to put this on the back burner because we're sooo exhausted. It is so important not to do that. Sometimes we have to 'just do it.' I don't think I'd be able to go 101 straight days though!
I'd love to hear what the couple has to say now...after the 101 days.
Congrats on your SITS feature!
I think what all this boils down to is 'chemistry'. Either you have it our you don't. I didn't have chemistry with my ex husband. The guy I am with now, well he and I have great chemistry. To go 101 days straight with sex, I am not so sure about that. I need a break SOMEtime! To each his own, I guess.
Wow, my husband and I don't have children and we still have trouble fitting in the sex.
Marriage does have its ebs and flows, and sometimes being tired trumps sex.
It is something that always needs attention. Intimacy isn't automatic...at least not with us it isn't.
Lump me in with the intimacy - yes, sex no matter what- not so much club. I would think after a while it even gets old for the man when he *has* to perform, but that's just me.
Congrats on being the featured SITS blogger.
Wow. 101. I can't imagine. Well, my poor husband can't imagine either. Although, he would LOVE that. I don't think I will let him read this. Nothing against you. Ha ha. Congrats on being the featured SITSta today.
I happened to see that couple, too. I almost didn't tell dh about it but decided to see what his take was. Of course he was up for the challenge! ;) I won't commit until I read the book--unofficially we made it three days. That was about a month ago now.
I'm with Mama's Losin' It!!
Loved this post! I'll have to check out the book. I'd be interested to see what their definition of sex is. Is it intimacy, as some people have commented? Or is it restricted to intercourse? And what about those days when-- ahem-- Aunt Flo comes to visit? Ugh, I have enough to do, and you want me to deal with that mess, too? I don't think so!
Congrats on you SITS feature! :)
You posed some interesting questions, I think any married with kids couple can relate to. Intimacy often isn't a priority. But doing it just because of a commitment to sex every day, would really lose its pleasure, especially if your heart and your mind isn't in it, you can't really force that after a day of frustrations and housework and getting thrown up on. I do think just simple affectionate gestures throughout the day can really brighten things, tho.
Congrats on the feature.
No, we definitely aren't as regular but we are better. What happens when WE happen far surpasses the early years lovin. I just wish that I had the early years bod to go with the lovin'. But seriously, I don't think goals and numbers make sex better BUT attention to maintaining that part of the relationship is KEY. Sex is a big part of the love equation for a man.
Great post.
Jen
I don't have kids yet, no are my boyfriend and I married yet... but we do live together, if that makes my opinion count for something, lol. I could never do EVERY DAY but I'll be honest, I'm usually good for every other day... and true, I don't have kids yet but I DO have 2 jobs, tuor on the side, and manage our household chores/cooking. I think this is a very individual thing. I think the main point, the touch and talking and connecting more, is a great one... because it's easy to let too many days go by without those little intimacies.
Um, I "tutor" on the side. Oops.
I have heard about this book and must say that it's not really even an experiment I'm willing to try. I have 5 kids and probably have at least half of the excuses this couple had. I just don't want to let mine go......
Hubby is at the TOP of my list lately, could this be why I'm not willing to experiment?
I liked the fact that this couple made a pact to make it for 101 days. They didn't commit to doing it every day for the rest of their lives, that would be very far reaching. They set a goal and accomplished it together, which is almost as big as the sex part. I saw this too, and they said that all areas of their marriage improved as a result, which is great. My hubby and I talked about that couple and were going to try for a week straight. I think we made it 4 days. Maybe next time!!!
So, did you try it?
101 days? Is there a book about how to have sex for 5 straight days? Because THAT I might be able to do. Maybe.
Congrats on being the FB!
I'm not married and have no kids and the thought of 101 days of sex is exhausting...my other half, however, might be on board with this plan.
Oh Snap!
I'll have to think about this one!
Oh my gosh! I just read the comment about "is there a book about sex for 5 straight days?"...ha ha...too funny! Baby steps, right?
101 days sounds amazing (and I give them major kudos), but I kind of agree with the comment about the robot. I'm curious if after 101 days they kept it up, or were like...WHEW! Ya know? I'm curious about that. But I must say that I am intrigued. My hubby would be VERY intrigued. I'm surprised he hasn't already bought me the book. And I do agree that when we go on vacation...alone...the sparks are FLYING. And after 15 years w/the same guy, it feels like were dating (each other) again. Which I love. I think it has a lot to do with where we are now (our kiddos ages). But I think I'm gonna have to check out that book.
Maybe I'm just an optimist, but I can't see myself every being in a relationship where we didn't touch. I need the intimacy. I really hope I never become the women that is faking it, or coming up with reasons not to be intimate with my husband. That's just me though.
I think that that's the big ideal in life everyone is chasing---that balance. I've had periods in life where it's felt great all harmonized physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.--and other times where it feels like someone dropped a grenade in the middle of all of it. I guess as long as you don't give up, you're ok, right :)?!
Thanks for the great reminder. Dr. Laura Schlessinger put out a book several years ago called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands a few years back that addressed this same issue of intimacy and that it's about more than what it seems to be about!
Have a FABULOUS SITS day :)!
First of all, congrats on your SITS day!!
I read the above said book and it put my life back into perspective. My husband and I hit a rough patch at the beginning of our marriage and I decided to "rethink" what I wanted. A friend gave me the book and I read it. Our relationship is so much better now. Sometimes when we are headed to bed my husband will trick me into thinking he is asleep by turning of the bedroom light while I am in the bathroom. When I get to the bedroom he sneaks up behind me all nekkid and asks "Wanna make out?" It's like we are teenagers all over again when we...well when we are in bed. lol!
It doesn't take much to stay intimate. You just have to like sex, want sex and it really does have to be good!
Congrats on your SITS day! I think there's womething to the Just Do It theory. Life gets so busy and when my husband and I don't take time for each other to sit down and talk or "whatever" LOL...we start to get snappy with each other. The intimacy makes a difference...I truly do believe it.
I saw this on the Today show too.
I'm a single mom and I'm not seeing anyone right now...so I don't have much to add here. I say...if you've got the opportunity..do it!
First let me say that I'm SO glad my husband doesn't watch 'The Today Show'... I firmly believe I have him convinced that too much sex will cause something to fall off... my right nipple his left testicle?... I don't know, but something!
I'm not sure how this couple could manage such a fete. I mean, I have to be in the mood and if I've had a day when I feel beaten down, tired or just plain unattractive, the last thing I want to do is have sex. I guess it would seem the opposite should be true, that if one shared intimacy while their personal reserves are low, it might restore them... But for me it just doesn't work that way. I need to feel good about myself to be in the mood.
I read about this couple in the People magazine. I even had my hubby read it. First thing having sex during the time of the month grosses me out and they did just that. Secondly, hubby travels all the time. third I hate to admit it, but I am so tired and busy with the kids that when I go to bed sex is the farthest thing from my mind. BUT... We have not had that closeness in a while and I miss it and my hubby.
We need baby steps for us. Maybe once a week would be a good start.
well - speaking as a "born again virgin" (newly divorced) - sex sounds great to me right now! hahaha. j/k. anyway - good luck with all of that. sounds like you have your hands full...
Happy SITS day - isn't it a blast!!??!!??!?!
Mr. B and I both heard about this book, and since by the time we're married (assuming we get there) we'll have been apart about 700 days... so yeah, I can handle 100 days in a row.
I do think it's all about prioritizing and such. I think that it's easy to push your spouse aside, but really, of all the people you push aside, shouldn't he be the last one? We all claim to be too tired, but really, isn't there one thing we can cut out of our busy day that would give us time to connect with our spouse???
Wow. Even in our younger and hornier days I thought we did it A LOT but not every day... I can't imagine trying to do it now.... not with both of us working, me in the evenings to boot.
We definitely have to get creative... he works close by and comes home for lunch...just sayin...
Happy SITS Day, Jen!
Good food for thought. 101 days flies by in every other way. The real question is, are you willing to make intimacy a priority. For me, am I willing to put down the computer before I am ready to collapse? Am I willing to give my husband thirty minutes per day of my undivided attention? Whether for sex or just to listen to what's on his mind, or even read a book or play a game together? Am I willing, as someone said, to give it enough energy to actually participate for my own pleasure, rather than just to accommodate him? May all of my answers be yes! Thanks for reminding me to work on this.
I was fortunate very early in our marriage to attend a women's bible study with a great leader. She was in a different season of life, having almost all of her children off to school. I was a new mom with a tiny infant. She told me how important it was to make God our first priority and our husbands our second. Before kids, housework, anything. She taught me to keep my SAHM duties in the "office" hours of 9-5. I try as hard as possible to not have the washer running, try to have homework done, house picked up etc before my hubby walks in the door. My husband does not ask for much, but does have than need of being needed. I make sure to greet him when he arrives, even if it means stepping over children to get to him. My kids embrace him as well when he comes home.
I have never given much thought to the 101 days of lovin. Wow, sounds like alot. But then, how bad could it be??!!
Happy SITS day! This is such a great post! I can certainly relate to the relationship changing significantly when the kids came along. I'm going to check out this book. Thanks for the info!
Wow, I think this post hits home to any couple with kids! Thanks for that...makes me want to read the book.
Happy SITS day!
HAPPY SITS DAY!!!
I have a different situation. My hubby works nights, the boys and I are awake and busy during the day, plus I work part time from 830-2/3p. So it's really hard for us do get that PART of our life in any day, but lucky for us MIL gets the boys in the afternoons so there are days that we spend time together or doing things that we want to do.
I have heard of that book though, maybe I'll check it out.
You know, I saw a video online about that couple. It intrigued me as well. Like you, I'm not sure if we'll ever actually DO that, but it changed the way I look at intimacy, and I think twice before using the "I don't feel like it" line.
I've heard of this couple--thanks for the post. If you can consider it, I could try to be more "in the mood", since I only have two little kids to chase all day!
We had a local radio station do a 30 day challenge with some listeners. I don't remember why they started but I wonder if was becase of this couple. Anyway, they got about 6 couples to commit and call in on a regular basis to report on how it was going. Some of them also blogged about it. Most of them said it really helped their marriage and realized how important is was to make time for each other.
Happy SITS day!
I heard/saw about that couple, too, but there's another couple who did it for a whole year! Basically they all learned the same things it seemed.
I love my husband so much but I've noticed that we don't hold hands like we used to. Granted, one of us is usually holding our giant baby, but couldn't we do something like that? It's been better because we've talked about it & I think our sex life is still pretty terrific...some days more than others, just like normal. But what's normal for us? We got pregnant 3 months after we got married, so it's always been hectic. I love it. Sorry about the post.
I had not heard this story...very interesting! Congrats on your SITS day!
Wow, Jen...I had no idea you were going to be featured!! Congratulations!!
Great topic! So many people opened up about this subject...how great is that?! As for me, more realistic might be 101 in a year...
wow. that just makes me tired thinking of it. LOL
Wow. Well, more power to them. The only way that'd work for me is if my husband didn't mind making love to me while I was sleeping. Once I hit the bed, I'm OUT, lol.
I'm single so it's not an issue for me right now, but intimacy is SUCH an important factor in relationships.
When I was still married, I took a parenting class that recommended that the parents' relationship take first priority. For example, when Dad gets home, the kids go for quiet time while Mom and Dad have some quiet time on the sofa to talk about each other and how the day has gone, etc. It communicates to the kids that Mom and Dad's relationship is important AND it provides some intimate time for talk.
Mr.4444 and I do not meet the national "average," for number of times per day/week/month for sex, but that doesn't mean we aren't intimate. (As we all know, sex doesn't equate with intimacy.) I think the important thing is that you connect in some way and that you are compatible. It's been working for us for 24 years... :)
Happy SITS day to you! I saw an article about this couple and their book in People. I couldn't imagine taking up that kind of a challenge..WOW!
CONGRATS on being the featured blogger today.
After being with my fiance for over 8 years we are still trying to find our balance. I'm hoping that it will come before I tire of this relationship.
I would love to have been that couple!!!! :-) Just keepin it real here. :-)
Hmm. I hope my husband doesn't get a whiff of this. Just joking : ) I guess the concept is making time for each other whether you feel like it or not. The sex is the best way to connect when you don't know how to. Like leggos. : )
Wow, this hits home because recently my husband & I were forced to face many realities of our life & marriage together. Since then, we have grown so much closer & while sex that much is still TOO much we more focus on the intimacy part, like the holding hands & kissing. That closeness gets us more in the mood for the actual sex part. My hubby made a good point once that when I am cranky or we're just not connecting over the course of a few days then neither of us wants sex so it's important to get the basics back first!
I think it's a great idea. If you actually do it, keep us posted... I'm thinking you have more "distractions" than that couple and if you can pull it off, I have no reason not to!
Hi there,
I found this post through a friend, and I just wanted to say that I can relate 100%. I too saw that interview and I went out and go the book. And while I am not up for the 100 day challenge, we are making intimacy and touching and being together a priority and the past 2 months have been the best ever. Everyone should make their marriage a priority, it makes everything in life better. :D
I really think this is a problem for a lot of married couples.
For some reason we always put those we love last on our list & they should always be 1st.
I'm gonna read that book also.
I think this is a struggle most wives can relate to. With my husband's job, he has periods of time when he is away a lot and then home more. I find that the physcial relationship flows naturally when he is more involved in our life at home, but I feel distant when he is absent and stress and fatigue build. I try to remember, though, that even if sex is not high on my priority list, that doesn't mean it is not still vital to him. But then I want to engage in sex that flows from our intimate relationship and not from a worry in the back of my mind that if he doesn't get it at home, he will be tempted to look for it somewhere else. Anyway, you have given me a lot to think about!
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