I subscribe to a few magazines. I used to get a lot of parenting magazines but now I have only one parenting magazine left and the rest are for pleasure reading.
Anyway, in the latest Parenting (July 2008) issue there was an opinion poll in the "Mom Exchange" section. It kinda caught me off guard and was a little unexpected and frankly I was kinda offended by some of the responses. I know that every one is entitled to their opinion but I can't believe that some people think like this. Ok, I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning.
The "Mom Debate" question was this, "Should a woman be able to use fertility treatments to get pregnant if she already has kids?" The answers were 80% yes and 20% no. (More than 1800 people responded)
I know that overwhelmingly the answer supported people who need to use infertility treatments but in my mind it should have only been 5% (or none) of the people who said no.
You see, we (and I say we because even though there was no issues with Jeff's fertility, he still had to go through the process with me) had to go through infertility treatment in order to conceive all of our children.
I was not thrilled with the fact that I had to go through an other round of drug treatments and injections to get another pregnancy but I did it. We wanted to have more children. Hayden needed siblings. Why should I be denied that chance to have a larger family just because I had to use medical help?
There were also comments included in this poll. Some of the comments that people made on the no side were this:
"If you already have kids, then maybe there's a reason God didn't want you to have more."
"She lucky to have the kids she has and should just stop at that. Leave the treatments for the women who don't have any kids and actually need help."
The last statement just makes my skin crawl. I don't understand how anyone could say some thing like that. Some one actually said something similar about me, not to my face but to one of my friends. She said that I was not content with one kid. I had to go and "play God" so that is why I was having triplets.
I want to know, when did triplets become a punishment? Sure at times it has not been easy but really a punishment? I also want to ask, why did I have to be content with just one child. She wasn't. For some people, one child is all they want but Jeff and I wanted more. We should be be denied that just because we have to go through infertility treatments?
I love the comments that people made on the yes side. It gives me hope:
"Are you kidding me? Should a woman be able to have sex to get pregnant even if she already had kids? There's no difference."
"Fertile people have no mandate on how many kids they can have, so why should infertile people be told how many they're allowed. The question is ignorant."
"Just because our bodies couldn't reproduce again without help of science doesn't mean we should be denied the chance to add to our families."
I think that these comments bring it home. Infertility is awful. It is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. The emotional roller coaster that you ride can consume your entire being if you let it. This is a very lonely battle that sometimes even your spouse can't understand.
The want for a child is intense no matter what number child it is; first or tenth. No one should be judged for how the were able to fulfill that want. STOP JUDGING until you have been there and even then, keep your mouth shut!
We should be supporting each other not judging and bring each other down.
Deux par Deux Has The Cutest Kid Clothes
4 days ago
18 comments:
I have to agree, the question itself was ignorant. I can't believe people actually thing about this stuff. Is there a limited number of fertility treatment out there that people are taking it away from others if they use it more than once? Are we rationing out children, now? Why do people feel the need to form opinions about things that have absolutely no affect on them?
Todays post both touched me and made me cry. We also have infertility issues. We now have 4 children, all adopted. I know that there is the opinion out there that we are being selfish by adopting so many, when so many people are still waiting to adopt. I don't understand this thinking either. There so many children waiting for homes all over this world. Many, many children in this country that desperately want a family. Children that are not caucasian have a much harder time being placed for adoption. (Not that I am saying that everyone should adopt, because I'm not. It is just the way that ended up working for us.)
Ya know, If God had not wanted you to have triplets, I believe He would have not sent them to you. I would ask the person asking that question if they really wanted to question God on that one!
Thanks for the thought provoking material today.
It's interesting that you bring this up, because in yesterday's paper I read this story:
"It's been 30 years since the first test tube baby and now a 70-year-old woman in India has given birth to twins after infertility treatment."
Thank God, I never had problems with infertility - I have 3 children, but I've had 4 miscarriages. I think infertility treatment should be left up to the infertile couple. Even if you have several children, if the desire is there to have another one then they should have the same opportunities as couples with no children.
I agree we should be supporting these people instead of judging them!
It's becoming quite apparent in this country that there are many who wish to control our ability to make many (if any) decisions in our own lives. The number of times a couple utilizes the global benefits of science to conceive, the number of times a couple adopts children who may otherwise be bouncing around foster care in the ghetto, or, like in another article I read on Father's Day, where a man was criticized for lovingly fathering 13 children (has sent all those of age through college, too).
As the father of the previously mentioned four adopted children (see Karen's comment), who are spaced out over only 38 months, I appreciate the fact that you count your triplets as the blessing they are. I also hope that if you choose to pursue fertility treatment again, that you do. If Karen has her way, we'll be employing adoption AND fertility again (that's a big if...).
My greatest fear is that, sometime in the near future, legislation will determine, as has happened with what kind of light bulbs we will soon be allowed to buy, who is able to use what systems to grow their families and what the limits available are. Call me old fashion, call me right-wing, call me a redneck. Heck, call me whatever you want, but the one truly God-given right that we are entitled to is the right to choose. That shouldn't be taken away.
I guess call me out of touch but I didn't realize people out there really felt that way. That question is just ignorant!!!! What is it their business how a family comes about having children??
I agree about the intense desire to have a child no matter how many children you have. We wanted a 3rd child soooo badly and any time that I talked about it to certain people they would say, well atleast you have 2 children already. Well, yeah we do and we are thankful but we really want another child thank you very much. And at 1 year of trying for Tres, we were offered infertility treatments by the OB. We chose not to do them at that time and Tres was concieved about 4 months later - but that is not always the case for most infertile couples. Some people just need a bit of help in concieving children and who's business is it to decide that for them???
For those people out there that have adopted their children, I admire you so much. Before the triplets were conceived, I was looking into adoption. I didn't know if I was going to be able to go through with it. There is just so many feelings and things to work through that with all the hormones going through me at the time, I couldn't handle it.
But now after some time has pasted, I think that giving a child a loving home who doesn't have one would be an amazing thing.
There will be no more children coming from my uterus, we made sure of that. So maybe some day we can be foster or adoptive parents if that is where God leads us.
some people...
need to learn to keep quiet... and THINK before they speak.
Amazing to me that people think they have the right to make comments that are so hurtful
I can't stand it when people get so judgmental like that. Unless they've walked a mile in someone with infertility's shoes, then they have no right to say such horrible, ignorant things.
I used to get parenting magazines too, but stopped recently. Actually, wow, I don't get any magazines right now...
I am so sorry that these people were given a forum to say such ignorant and hurtful things. That they could speak for God and suggest that it was His will that you shouldn't have any more puts them in pretty dangerous territory.
I say forget about them and their ignorance, and go and give your four precious kids a hug!
Amen to that!
Good grief. First, my best friend went through fertility problems, so I know "on the side" how stressful it can be. She had her first son with no problem, tried for 3 years to have her second, was on treatments for a year, and finally was blessed. I never ONCE thought "Why is she doing this when she already has a child?" That's absurd!!!
Second, this isn't Japan. We are not under type of restriction to how many children we may or may not have. Also, I didn't realize there is a shortage of fertility treatments available. The woman who said, "leave the treatments for women who don't have children" needs a good smack upside the head.
Last...Jen...I would be interesed in hearing why the magazine even asked this question. I never in my life even knew this was something that was under debate. Maybe a nice email to their editor inquiring why they would ask such an ignorant question would be helpful. And for all the people who said using fertility treatments are "playing God"...I sure as hell hope they don't ever develop cancer, because if they use any treatments to cure it, wouldn't that be going against God's will?
I am stunned by the responses of those who said "no". First of all, the "needing help" thing...like that help is free. Everyone has to pay a pretty penny for that help. It's not in short supply. Plenty of doctor's out there. Secondly, I am always amazed by people who actually care what other women are doing with their ovaries and uterus. I don't even understand why there should be a debate about this topic.
But, what do I know...?!?!
I just hate it when people come up with the "God didn't want to have children" or something to that effect. I am 100% sure that God gave the clever doctors the knowledge to help.
Being a mom who conceived her three kiddos at the the mire mention of "get pregnant," I can't begin to imagine what infertility treatments must be like. However, having a friend who just brought home her trips (thank you modern medicine!) I can say I'm so grateful that women who want to can and do welcome one, three, six or whatever new smiles into this world! Having 3 at 29-- and spaced apart-- I'm just marveling at how together you seem with 4!
What idiots.
I heard some pretty nasty comments when I was pregnant with my second. You know, because my first had a birth defect should I really tempt fate and have another?? What if that one wasn't healthy either?? I'd answer, with a smile, that I would be the perfect Mommy for another sick baby, I already know all the good hospitals, surgeons, doctors, therapists, early interventionists... that would shut them right up.
I read that article as well...you tell 'em! I'm actually starting to wonder if I should have even subscribed to that magazine...it seems so biased toward moms, even though it's call "Parenting"--like Dad is just a vestigial organ who's around for us to nominate for hottie of the month and make us roll our eyes!
Have fun on your vacation!
Nicki
it's really sad that someone could say something so mean as "maybe god didn't want her to have anymore children". that's just terrible and clearly they had absolutely no problems conceiving. i struggled with getting pregnant although i have children now i will NEVER forget the tears i cried and how devastating it was to have negative pregnancy tests over and over again. I believe God gave the gift of conceiving scientifically. afterall, he created the man/woman with the knowledge to develope these techniques and medications.
Such a stupid poll question! Since when did infertility treatments become a moral debate?!
Post a Comment