I logged on, opened up a few blogs to read when I hear thumping and jumping coming from Hayden's room. *sigh* I stopped typing and listened. The noises stopped, I hoped for good, so I continued on with my reading and commenting.
Then I heard it again. More thumping. More bumping. More jumping. This was suppose to be quiet time. What in the world was he doing up there?
I heaved myself up from the desk chair and ran quickly but softly up the stairs.
"What in the world is going on up here?" I sternly said as I opened his bedroom door.
"Nothing," Hayden said as he scurried back into bed. "I wasn't doing anything."
I put my hands on my hips ready to give him yet another lecture about how this was quiet time and that meant that he was to lay in bed quietly until rest time was over, when I saw it.
A picture from his wall had fallen down and cracked.
"Hayden, What happened this picture?" I asked as I crossed the room.
"The babies did it," was his quick reply.
And there it was a flat out lie. Hayden has been lying a lot lately and I am really not sure how to handle this. Some lies like this one, where he was the only on in his room and the babies couldn't have possibly knocked that picture down, are easy to catch but others are not so easy.
I have tried to tell him that lying will only get him in more trouble. Each time I catch him in a lie, I punish him more than if he would have told him the truth. But his is difficult to do because I am not always sure when he is lying. I don't want to punish him unfairly.
But there in this moment where I knew that he knew that he was lying, I lost it.
"Hayden, why are you lying to me?" I yelled. "The babies could not have possibly knocked that down. They are sleeping in their beds and you are alone in here. I know that you knocked it down because I heard you jumping around in here. Why did you lie?"
He continued to look at me but said nothing.
"I makes me very, very, angry when you lie," I continued in my harsh tone. "When you lie you are not being a good boy! You hurt my feelings when you lie and you hurt Jesus'. Why don't you just tell me the truth? Don't you want to be a good boy? Only very bad boys lie."
I took a breath and looked at him. I saw this lip begin to quiver. I saw his head hang down in shame and then I saw the tears.
"I don't want to be a bad boy, Mommy. I don't want to hurt you or make you mad. I am sorry, Mommy. Sorry," he wailed.
I looked at him sitting there on his bed, his little body shaking with each new sob. I could tell that he felt terrible for what he had done and I knew that my words had not helped.
I stood there helpless. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run to him and comfort him. I wanted to tell him that it was alright, that I was sorry for yelling. But I knew that if I did that the lesson would have been lost.
I took a deep breath, suppressed my urge to pick him up in my arms and said, "That's alright, Hayden. I forgive you. Now you sit up here and think about telling me only the truth."
"Ok," he said in between big gasping sobs.
And with that I walked out of his room as quickly as I could because I did not know how much longer I could resist my urge to comfort him. I closed his door quietly and slipped into the bathroom to take my turn sobbing.
So help me out here, my fellow Mommies.
How do I deal with lying so that I don't become an all out sobbing mess?
How do I teach him that honestly is really the best policy?
How do I deal with lying so that I don't become an all out sobbing mess?
How do I teach him that honestly is really the best policy?
40 comments:
Oh gosh Jen, have no idea - I have not had the chance to deal with this. Good luck.
I'm here on the other side of the world wanting to comfort him! I SO get how you felt.
I don't know the answer - when you know what to do in this situation, please let me know :)
I like to say when I'm angry with Nat: "You're NOT a bad boy - you're a GOOD boy - God made you good, that's why I get so mad when you do the wrong thing."
That means I'm not labelling my kid 'bad' (which would break my heart) and it gives him an identity of goodness to aspire to.
I'm hoping that's the way God made it all work. We Mums are groping blindly in the dark sometimes hey?
Oh Lord Jen, my heart aches for both you guys - poor little Hayden - honey, he KNOWS he's good - he just didn't make the right choice and now he's stuck with that awful feeling. And it is an awful feeling - he'll remember that. You did just fine - tough love is the hardest to give, but the one kiddos need the most sometimes.
At least he actually did the deed. Think of this scene, only to find out later that your son was telling the truth, he hadn't done what was so "obviously" his fault - yeah - mother of the year, right here.
Today will be a better day.
I know that it is hard not to comfort him after he lies but just imagine the impact that lies could have on your lives if it continues as a teenager. I can't stand when my boys lie to me and I do punish them for it. I punish mostly because I want to stop this problem now while it is a minor offense. I know that it is hard. I have been known to cry with my boys at times. I always make sure that they understand exactly what I didn't like about the bahavior and make sure to reward positive bahavior that you natice later on. Hang in there mommy , you are doing a fantastic job!
I have no idea!! Libby is starting to lie too and I have no idea how to handle it! Let me know if you figure it out!
I've never done this...and she took a lot of flack for even suggesting it, let alone telling the world that she used this trick on her kids...but...
Lisa Whelchel (Blair from Facts of Life) wrote in her book, "Creative Correction," (best parenting book!) that when her kids lied, she would put a dab of hot sauce on their tongues. She called it a "spanking for the tongue." She said it only took one or two "tongue spankings" and the lying issue was quelled.
I say...whatever works, and I am not quick to judge when it comes to another mother's discipline methods. What works for one family might not work for another.
But you are wise to want to get this under control now. What a great mom you are, Jen!!!!
p.s. I love Hayden. Duh.
i am not a mama who judges. everyone i know thinks i am mean, but i also have a kid who is polite and honest. you just need to keep at it and do what works best for you. no matter what we mamas do we will always feel like it isn't good enough or we are letting someone down. there is too much pressure to be perfect, and no one is. the sooner we understand that, the better off we will all be. there will also be no more crying in bathrooms, or cars.
you did the right thing by explaining that lying is wrong and what you expect of him. i try not to use the word "bad," i prefer "naughty" in regards to behavior issues. lil' D also has to sit and think about his actions and tell us what was wrong about it and how to be better next time. sometimes these lessons go over their heads, but i believe as long as we are down at their level, looking them in the eyes, and explaining things so they can understand, we are doing the best we can. take care.
-Kiki
This is such a hard one! Jack has started lying too and I really am at a loss. I have tried explaining to him numerous times about telling the truth, punishment, etc, nothing has worked so far. It's so frustrating. I really feel for you!
This is a tough one. I always use manipulation. Let me give you an example. You say "Hayden, I guess I'm going to have to punish the babies then...what do you think I should do to punish them?" and then continue to try to catch him in the lie adn then explain how he would feel if someone blamed him for something that he didn't do.
When they got older, I would reason with them like this "Wow, Hayden, it is amazing that they got out of their beds and came in here, reached up and took the picture off the wall. Don't you think that is amazing? Do you really think that's possible?" and try to get them to admit it that way.
After they admit to the deception, I ask them what the consequence should be for lying so that they don't do it again.
As you can see, we had a big problem with this and my kids are 8 and 13. The 13 year old has finally figured out that he isn't going to get away with it. The 8 year old still has a ways to go.
I too, do not judge another mother's punishment techniques although anything that is physically painful bothers me a bit. I am not perfect (I am a yeller) so thou shalt not judge!
Good luck, just my 2 cents
I think you did exactly the right thing. It was hard on both of you but that just comes with the territory.
So if you have to go hideaway afterward and cry out your pain, then I think that's just part of it. And I think it will get easier with time. He's lucky to have a mom like you. I hope he gets to read this post when he's old enough to appreciate it.
I'm a really strict mom. I always wonder if I'm being too tough on them and I anguish over that. So the pain's there I think, once you love those kids.
What I do with my little man dealing with this problem is to - as you say - punish the lying more than the act. I also show my little one why. We always have long conversations once everyone's calm enough to talk about it, to see where his understanding is, and to show the consequences (real or potential) of those lies.
So far it's been working for us, although little man tells me "Mom it's hard sometimes, but I'm getting there."
I think you're going to be fine, just be consistent and keep loving that little man.
We do a lot of "making good choices" in the Trenches. I never tell any of my boyz that THEY are bad, just that they made a bad choice. So it's all about making GOOD CHOICES.
So if I catch one of them in a lie, I give them a chance to redeem themselves by saying, "Are you making a good choice right now by telling me that? Are you sure that that is the right answer?"
And they know that good choices get rewarded.
That's a tough situation. I tend to have guilt about correcting my nephews a lot. Especially when they get upset like that, so I hope you get some good advice on how to handle it.
I'm strict, and some people question my parenting, but I agree with what Lula said. Hot sauce on the tongue. Hot sauce or cayenne pepper. Go to the source, the lie starts at the mouth, that's where the punishment should be. I used soap too. Also, be sure to call them on it, immediately, in front of people or in the grocery store, wherever it happens. Don't wait until the 'time' is right.
Also what Lula said, what works for one family won't necessarily work for another. You're a good mom, and a good mom HAS to discipline and teach right from wrong
oh boy. I do not look forward to dealing with this issue. I think you are on the right track by letting him know that lying is never ok, and you will not tolerate it. But I would want to comfort him too..
We go through this EVERY single day with Sheridan. Today was no exception. I know she's lying when she looks down when you ask her "who did this"...
My whole goal is to get her to admit what she did - which is a feat in and of itself. Once we finally get there we practice me asking her what happened and her response of exactly what she did wrong.
I don't punish for lying - I reward for telling the truth....
Let me know when you figure it all out..........
I have the same problem with my older 2 sons. They blame someone in the same area as them. I'm having a hard time with teaching them how not to lie.. which is stressful at times, so don't feel bad. Mommies got through it everyday. =] thanks for stopping by my blog and for the warm welcome to SITS. =]
Lying, to a pre-schooler, is like a block on a basketball team. They are trying to prevent an action--i.e. get in trouble. It's not malicious (not until they get older), but it is a problem solving skill. It shows he's thinking cause/effect. However, just like a shepherd, you need to point out a better alternative. You also need to discuss "effect" i.e. 1) when he does something that he's 2) scared he's going to be punished for, or worse, disappoint you, then 3) talk about the important of truth.
I'm not saying, "ah, forget it." I'm just saying he's learning problem solving techniques and the'll learn this is one technique that doesn't need to be included in his tool box.
He's doing it now because it's a new "tool" he's discovered.
I remember thinking when my two older boys did the same thing, I remember thinking, OH My GOSH, I have a compulsive liar on my hands! Now I recognize it for what it is. However, then my second and third one skirt the truth or blatantly lie, we'll take away the fun things in life for awhile--but that's when they're older!
My 6 year old is in this phase and it is making me crazy. I haven't caught her in a lie in a few weeks but that last one was a pre-meditated, get both her brother and sister in trouble, douzy of a lie, and I was shocked at her scheming and inability to do what is right. I tend to handle things similar to you and then regret blowing up later. Sorry I don't have any brilliant advice but I hope it passes quickly for both of us. I do remember B going through the same phase but at an age closer to Hayden's than FiFi's.
Er, well, I have a sensitive son so he cries if I sound stern. So I'm not help.
My daughter isn't as bad but she does puff her lip out.
Good Lord, girlfriend, we are living parallel lives here. Gabe is in his room as I type this, sobbing his heart out, in trouble for lying and for hurting his friend (throwing a golf ball at him).
You need to be firm. And consistent. It's hard at this age, because they like to tell stories, and they don't know when to draw the line. I think you need to emphasize that when we lie, we hurt others, whether we mean to or not. You really need a zero tolerance policy on this. Hug him, love him, but stand your ground. He'll figure it out, hopefully before you have a migraine from all the tears you have to hold inside from dealing with their misery.
Good luck, to the both of us.
This is really hard. I'm in it with Miles right now too. I've mostly been trying to help him understand that truth-telling is always the best choice, even if it's scary. I talk to him about how he gets in more trouble if he lies than for the thing that he's lying about. I talk about what a good guy he is and remind him that good guys tell the truth. I simply hope that repeating myself will sink in when he's developmentally ready.
This whole topic is something I think about a lot in general. I believe that fostering a spirit of unconditional acceptance in a home is so important. I don't mean that there should be NO discipline and correction, I just mean in general, if kids know that they are loved NO MATTER what mistakes they make, they start to live out of that. And I know you're fostering that tone in your home, so hang in there!
It would have been hard for me too. I know that when I scold Jonathan and he starts to cry I am a pile of mush. I know I need to be tough to show him what he's done is wrong and he can't cry to get out of the punishment, but sometimes I just about lose it.
I think a few moments after leaving maybe going back in and saying "Do you understand why mommy yelled at you?" and if you feel it was too much saying "I didn't mean to scare you, but I was upset. You need to listen to mommy and not lie."
Just a suggestion, but I can tell you one thing...I sure can relate to this post. I've done this before and thought later that maybe how I handled it wasn't right, but at the same time....I hoped I had done the best I could.
b is in the same thing right now...and they all go thru a phase...keep pressing forward and he'll learn the right way.
when all else fails, drink a margarita.
It's been so long that it's hard to remember what I did. I know that I always separated the behavior from the child so they knew it was the behavior and not them that I was mad at.
Good Luck!
No advice but you made me wanna cry just picturing it.... ((HUG))
Gosh, parenting is so hard.
I always try and focus on the behavior and not the child. "Lying is a bad decision. I love you but I don't like your bad decision." That tends to work better for me. That way, I don't find myself in the bathroom next to you crying:-)
Oh gosh, Jen, I can't believe you are asking that! Sounds like you did a great job explaining it.
I think, it just feels wrong to you because it hurts to not console your child. But, it is SO important for him to understand your disappointment in him. This is a great lesson for him to learn about fear of disappointing you. It will be a good motivator for him in the future. I think most kids want to please their parents.
You're doing a fine job - you give him plenty of praise and as long as there's more praise than correction, he'll be just fine.
Although difficult at the time, I think you did the right thing. But how hard is it not to go to them and take them in your arms, when their little lip starts to quivver. But then the lesson is not learnt. We had the same thing happen with the cake incident recently.....
Oh wow. You're breaking my heart too! Hang in there...just keep doing what you're doing. Being consistent is the key and showing him you love him. You're a great mom.
I just read somewhere that toddlers lie 3 times every ten minutes. Its just one of those things they do. I think you did the right thing. Letting him know how disappointed you are in him seems to be an effective tool. I guess at some point there should be accompanying punishment, but I don't know what. Time out, maybe. So tough.
Oh that's hard. Lying is such a hard concept to explain but it can be so infuriating. I hate it when my kids lie to me.
I'm sure I would have handled the whole thing very similarly. It's so hard not to comfort when they cry. Poor little one. Poor mommy!
It's a hard one Jen, esp at hayden's age. He's still pretty young and just starting to test the boundaries, which also makes it the perfect time to get him to "get it".
The easiest ways I have found to get my kids to understand it to make sure the message is clear and the punishment is instant. I have used a marble jar with my kids for behavior for years, even the older kids. Perhaps if you do something like that, you could have "being honest" as one of the things he earns marbles for.
I have the whole marble chart/behavior mod program on my "advice" blog:
http://loveisnewadditionstothefamily.blogspot.com/2008/06/losing-my-marblesnot.html
I can totally feel what you're going through. Max is in a similar phase and it's very difficult to get them to grasp the seriousness of lying at this age.
Lots of interesting advice/comments from the other moms here. I've got nothing (how lame am I?!) except keep remembering the love you feel for him and that whatever you do should ultimately help him make good decisions.
Parenting is very very tough sometimes. Feel better.
yeah, i don't know...
but what i do know is that i get so annoyed when these things come up during naptime. its kinda like, "hey, i'm off the clock. can we do character building in 2 hours or so when i'm not selfishly enjoying my alone time?"
but that's just me. i'm working on it. :)
You've gotten a lot of good advice. I've done the hot sauce on the tongue thing and it DOES make an impression. If H really understands truth vs. lie, then next time you KNOW he is lying, ask him straight out--are you lying to me? Because I want to believe you. If he still lies, go with it, but then find a way to prove "out" him and let the lesson be that eventaully lies catch up with you. Then you hafta go into the whole trust issue. Oy vey. Being a mom is hard!
Oh....that is such a hard lesson to learn...
I think you handled it well. You need to just continually call them on it and let them know that we know when they're telling the truth (or not).
Stick with it. THis phase lasts for a long time.
Oh that's a tough one. I haven't reached this stage yet, but I'm going to have to read the comments for suggestions.
Oh, poor little Hayden. And poor you. This part of mommyhood sucks... making our kids feel bad for something they did, and then not being able to make them feel better. I don't have any advice, just hang in there...
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