Crush

There was a time in my young life, when I was trying to juggle not one but three men (boys). I was young. I had just come into my boy crazy phase. I was a late bloomer. I had to make up for lost time, I guess..

I had just started working in a local restaurant. I was a hostess and Chris was a waiter. Chris was in college and he had that 'bad boy reputation'. And there was something between us from the moment our eyes met. The chemistry was so strong between us you could feel it. He had a pull on me that I could not ignore.

Our flirting was out of control. We would banter back and work with each other each and every shift we worked together. We would stay late at the restaurant talking. I even went out for smoke breaks with him even though I didn't smoke just to spend more time with him.

He would playfully put his arm around my shoulder and tell me how pretty I was. He would wink at me and smile each and every time saw me. He would laugh at my jokes. He would stand up for me when other waiter's were mean or cheated me on tips.

I was hooked. I looked forward to every shift. I started making sure that all my shifts were when he worked too. I seriously, couldn't get enough.

He made me feel strong.
He made me feel confident
He made me feel pretty.

But there was one problem, he had a girlfriend.

Through all the flirting and playful banter, I tried to keep that in my mind but there was just something about him, something about our connection that caused me to push that knowledge deeper and deeper in my brain. He didn't remember her so why should I?

We never took our relationship outside of work. We never spoke or acknowledged each other outside of work. (Looking back there was probably a reason for that but I was too young and naive to notice or care.)

Then one night, he tried to move our relationship to the next level. We were in back of the restaurant on a 'smoke' break. I was cold and shivered. He slid in close, put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I couldn't resist, I was like putty in his arms. I snuggled in closer, thankful for the warmth. I took in his smell, it was intoxicating. I felt dizzy.

He began to stoke my thigh as he whispered, "You really are an awesome person. So beautiful."

I looked up at him and bashfully turned my head.

"No really," he continued, "You're not only beautiful on the outside but on the inside too. I wish you could be mine."

My heart was thumping in my chest. I was sure it was going to leap right out onto the street. No one had ever spoken to me like that. I so wanted to be with him. I wanted to be 'his'. This was perfect but there was something that nagged at me.

I realized that he was quiet for what seemed like an extra long time. So I asked, "Is something wrong?"

He reached up, cupped my chin in his hand, looked deep into my eyes and said, "I really want to kiss you but I don't know if I should."

My heart raced. A tingle ran through my whole body. My skin was on fire under his embrace. I wanted that so much. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to hold me and never let go.

But as I nodded my head in agreement and began to lean in for the kiss, a face came into my mind. Not Chris' face but a face of an another man, a man that I had just met only a couple weeks earlier.

All I could think of was Jeff. I tried to push him out of my mind but he would not go. And then I knew that Chris and I were wrong, the reasons were too many to count, we were just wrong.

I quickly brought up my hand to Chris' mouth and gently stopped him before his lips reached mine. "I can't," I said softly.

"What? What's wrong? Is it Becky? She doesn't mean anything, we are done. You.... I want you." He pleaded.

"I can't," I said softly again.

He hugged me close and nuzzled my neck. Then he turned and walked back into the restaurant.

That was the last night that Chris and I worked together, the last night that we would talk, the last night that I would see him. He quit a couple days later.

I have always wondered what would have happened if I had let him kiss me. What would have happened if Jeff's face had not came into my mind. Would my life have been different or would I have realized what was going on?

I wonder these things but I do not regret the course of events that did happen.

For you see, that was I night that I realized that Jeff was something more than just a crush. Something more than just another boy I was trying to juggle. He was and is so much more and he is the only man I will ever kiss.

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