Now when you first see this video, I am sure that you are shocked and horrified. I know I was. It is really hard to watch.
At first I am angry and I question, how could she? But then I began to think about it more. I put myself in her shoes. I asked the question, could I see myself doing something like this?
And you know what my honest to God answer is, Yes. In fact, I have pulled one of my screaming toddlers by the shoulder kicking and screaming from a restaurant into the van when they would not come when asked.
Is this a moment that I am proud of? No. Is this something that I ever want to happen again? No Can I guarantee that is will not happen again? I can try but I can't promise.
Being a mother (parent) is one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life. I am in no way perfect. I lose my cool. I yell and scream at my kids. I pull/drag them behind me. I sometimes spank them. Some days it takes every fiber in my being not to just slap my kids senseless and run out the door screaming.
I am human. I am flawed.
I don't think that this woman deserves to be in prison (I actually think that she is out now). I don't think that she deserves all this negative attention. And I don't even think that she is a bad mother.
And anyone who says that she is a terrible mother and questions how in the world could she do this is not a mother or a parent and probably not being honest with themselves.
They just don't understand what its like that be tested over and over and over again by a defiant child. They just don't understand what its like to constantly be pulled at and asked for things. They just don't understand what its like to listen to whining and complaining for hours on end. They just don't understand what its like to not have had a moment to yourself to pee, eat or take a shower in days.
They just don't understand what its like to be a mother (parent).
What we really should be doing for this woman is helping her. Find out what the issues are that caused this to happen. We should embrace her and tell her its alright and that at some point, we all have been there.
Because honestly, who are we to judge?
Let's discuss but be nice and respectful of others opinions.
43 comments:
My response was the same as yours. Disbelief and disgust followed by a guilty awareness that I have at times probably presented the same image to others when my children have pushed me on an issue just one time too many.
As my children get older, I find that rather than this kind of "brain snap", I am inclined to say things that in the clear light of day I would never consider saying to my children.
I know what keeps me sane and reduces the risk of me falling over the edge into irrationality is the caring network of friends that I have. Just knowing that you aren't alone in the everyday struggles of parenthood is often enough to give you the energy you need to get through to the end of the day.
I hope that this woman has friends and family who are making sure that both she and her kids are getting the support that they need.
I, too, felt this way. I hadn't seen the video before reading your post and at first I thought "my goodness, that is crazy!" Then I thought "you know, I understand what it's like to deal with persistent, frustrating behaviour and I, too, do crazy things every now and then."
It's a very difficult thing to admit - losing your cool as a parent. But clearly we all do it at one point or another. (some of us more often than others!) But, as Susan noted in her comment, I find that having a network of people who are sympathetic and have been there/done that can make a world of difference for a weary, disheartened mommy upon reflection of her weaker moments.
Thank goodness for moms who share their stories - like you!
I'd heard the news story, but this is the first I've seen the video and honestly, I don't think it looks that bad. I can't hear any sound on the video, but the mom doesn't appear to be out of control and the kid doesn't really appear to be being harmed. In fact, I guarantee if I dragged one of my kids around the floor like this, they'd think it was hysterical and beg me to do it again.
This is the first I've heard of this story... watching that video was brutal... but reading your words does change how I initially viewed this mom. I have been at the end of my rope many times, too. While I'd never do this, I can't say this woman should have her child taken away from her without a serious investigation. My boys love it when they lie down on a blanket and I pull them around... although it is not the same thing... I don't know...
I get what you're saying and I agree that she needs help. I've been mad before but I would never, ever treat my kids like that.
I have one monkey back pack for Bagel and one for Weaky. I use my backpacks even with the crazy looks like I can't handle my kid looks I get.
I agree. We DON'T know how crappy of a day she is having, or how long this kid has been driving her to this point. I agree with Rachel, my kids would be giggling the whole way!
I have SO seen worse, I have seen parents spank right in the grocery store (not the swat spank either, the angry 5 hits spank) I have seen them yell and scream.
To me it looks like this mom has it under control to her ability. People can say she should leave the store. Well maybe she has stuff to do, and HAS to get it done, screaming kid or not.
I agree with you and we need to see if this woman needs someone to talk to.
JMO.
Queen of Feisty
They talked about this on Dr. Phil. I know there are moments throughout my day when I'm not at my finest and I certainly wouldn't want to be judged. So I try not to judge others.
The only thing that disturbed me about the video is that the mother never looked back. I would be checking like crazy to make sure my kid was okay.
wow...I had not seen that before now.
Ironically, I just had a similar conversation with a friend this morning about 'breaking points' as a mom. We both have infants that have been quite fussy lately and I about hit the wall this weekend after several nights of little sleep and one night of endless crying. Baby only wanted me but even then wouldn't settle down and sleep. All I wanted was him to stop crying. Just to be quiet. I could handle holding him if he would just. stop. crying. I'd be ok if Daddy could hold him for 5 minutes without the crying getting louder. (his or mine...)
I just needed a break and I thought to myself how on the edge I was but also relieved that I was still thinking rationally (through the tears) and able to get through it without doing something desperate - and yet totally realizing that some women, esp those with PPD, walk that line every minute of every day and can't always make it through....either b/c they don't have the support or the help or the rational moment to realize its better to put the baby down and walk away than do something they'll regret.
Yes, its easy to judge, but I imagine its a lot harder to be in their shoes.
the video is actually fairly calm...i mean, she's not screaming and honestly, she's dragging the ppor kid, but he seems big enough to get up on his own if he wanted. honestly, my b would love to have that done to her...she'd beg for more.
as for the reality of being "that mom", we have all been there. some still don't like to admit it or face it, but we have all been at the last thread...i remember when brooke would not quit poopy painting, i thought i would lose it....so i called a friend and the kiddos went with her for an hour so i could get things cleaned up.
anyway...in life i have learned to be careful what you say you won't do...they always seem to come around!
Wow, I am not sure what to say...I think I am in the minority here so I will say my peace and then go.
No matter how defiant (and believe me, I had defiance) I would never humiliate myself or my child in public (or private) this way. There are other ways to handle it and if you are so rushed that you can't stop and properly deal with your child, then you need to seek help. To treat your child with this amount of disrespect is not teaching the child to behave, it is teaching a child that you can not properly control him and he will in turn feel frightened and out of control.
This is probably not the first time she has reacted this way and that is why she feels her only option is to drag her child(a human being)by a rope, on his back...QUICKLY with no regard for his well being. He was probably acting up pretty bad to get her to this point. But obviously he has learned his ability to control himself from someone.
Bring it on...I can take it
The video is disconcerting to me because the child is just lying there, not moving. I don't know if she should get "felony" charges - I mean how is the child physically harmed at this point? But, definitely some intervention is needed. I am just thankful there are not cameras in my house as I have often lost my cool. I usually resort to yelling, escaping to my room with a loud door slam, or putting them in their room with a loud door slam. But, that's now, after I've been doing this super-hard job of "MOM" for 11 1/2 years. I don't see why she doesn't pick the child up and leave the store just as quickly. This is probably one of the reasons (subconsciously) I never got one of those child-leashes, too much temptation to act out in frustration/anger. Seven children and I haven't lost one yet - a couple close calls, but we all have those days, right?
When it comes down to it, even in our ugliest moments, we need to think about how we'd want to be treated if the tables were turned.
I'm personally no fan of the "child-leash", though I didn't find this video as objectionable as I had expected.
However, I have been known to drag my 4 year old kicking and screaming out of the JCC last year - while holding her arm as tight as possible w/o cutting off her circulation (and YES, it did leave a bruise). I have THAT kid who can't control her emotions and once she starts with the tears and the tantrums, can't control herself... and sometimes needs to be shaken back into reality - and again, that's literally and not figuratively.
I find more often that parents are frowned upon for 'not' handling obnoxious situations with kids than for taking them away from the situation as quickly as possible, and by whatever means they may need to.
Sad as this is - I was not the least bit surprised - honestly the first thought that popped into my head was - the kid looks pretty comfortable - he/she was not fighting the dragging in the least. I can totally see how this could happen too! I have to take all of my kids with me where ever I go b/c my husband is NEVER home and IF he is home he refuses to watch the kids. I don't have any babysitters, nor am I really comfortable leaving my kids with a babysitter - so they come with me. They are bored to tears and DRIVE me crazy in the grocery store - so I can TOTALLY see how this could happen!
That's a tough one. I think we've all had our "moments" that have made us hang our heads in shame.
But at some point, you have to be adult enough to stop, take a breath, and deal with it in a more mature manner. Otherwise, it can easily escalate into a child abuse situation before you know it.
My Mom always taught me to walk away rather than get too angry and take a chance on harming my child and there have been a few times when I've taken that advice.
I don't think she needs jail time, but definitely some counseling and maybe a parenting class.
I must say I was expecting something worse. I don't think I would actually do the same thing, but it seems to me that the mother had been driven to that bad point - the flash of ugly rage - and was removing her child from the situation the only way she could think of at the time.
I'd have been more shocked if the child had been left to "win" that one, at the cost of other shoppers, possibly destroying stock in the shop.
I'd have picked the kid up, myself, but I would have done all to stop whatever bad behaviour preceded that video.
ok I heard about this yesterday, but hadn't actually heard the story or seen the video. and i think you know all too well i understand. she seems like a mom having the worst day. i've had many of those lately (today was actually the best day I've had in a LONG time - I didn't yell once I don't think lol). I was expecting worse, too. I can't say I would have done the same in her situation, though. Tristan has pulled that crap of laying down on the floor and not wanting to move despite his "leash" or me holding his hand. He'll just go limp. and I just wait as patiently as possible or pick him up by the waist and do a balancing act with him and Isaac.
but honestly, there's a lot worse going on...give her a break.
PS If I did pull Tristan like that, I will guarantee he'd say "weee" and giggle like a little girl. lol
I know after seeing this video, I have had moments were we needed to leave the store immediately, for some reason or another, and I have almost pulled my kids out and then remembered this. It has made me stop, pause, and pick them up and carry my child while they kick and scream.
So yes she does not need to be in jail. Does she need help/counseling/peer parent? Probably.. but would definitely have to get in and find out more about her. Can't condemn her from this one time.
I showed my husband, without explaining anything first. He laughed.
The mom doesn't appear to be out of control, she seems rather calm.
and the kid seems fine. Granted, we're not hearing anything, but he doesn't appear to be objecting strenuously to the treatment.
I think there's some serious over reaction here.
Well, the first thing I noticed was that the child was just laying there motionless, as she dragged him through the store. So it doesn't seem like he wasn't being compliant but then again we don't know what happened before the video was taken. He might've pushed her last nerve for all we know.
I have had to drag my kids kicking and screaming from restaurants, stores, the park....but I don't think I'd ever drag my kids along the floor like that on their backs. I just think that's cruel, honestly. What's so hard about picking the kid up and taking him out to the car for a spanking or a scolding?
I do feel bad for this mom. I can only think that she probalby just reached her breaking point. Perhaps she has a new baby at home who's causing her to lose sleep at night, which in turn causes her to make poor decisions. I don't know, I can't even begin to guess.
But you know, Jen, you have written so eloquently what a lot of us feel on some days. There are some days where I feel like I just might crumble but then there are days where everything's wonderful and happy.
I don't think this woman needs prison time...I think she needs therapy to help her learn new discpline techniques for her kid!
I'm probably in the minority, but couldn't she have picked him up? Or taken him by the arm?
Just seems like that would be more logical and less...mean.
~yes I have absolutely lost my temper with my kids and have absolutely had to grab them by the arm and haul their tantrum throwing butts out of place before.~
You know Jen, I can totally see myself doing that as well. We should not judge - but I might have grabbed him under the arm though.
You know Jen, I can totally see myself doing that as well. We should not judge - but I might have grabbed him under the arm though.
My honest to goodness first reaction was that this is not worth 20 years of jail. I can't see this being worth ANY jail time.
What is being punished? What is the harm that has been done? The kid COULD BE embarrassed but no-one ever died from embarrassment.
There is no evidence of any harm being done to the child, and I don't have any sound but he doesn't appear to be even scared (no kicking, resisting, crying). I can actually see a boy enjoying this.
The mom doesn't appear to be angry or have any malicious intent. It looks to me like she's just tired, and again, all of this is going on this clip alone. Is it the best parenting, well no. Not a proud moment at all. But worth jailing the mother? Removing the mom from that household?
Try this - imagine yourself being tried to the limit by your crying screaming child who is being totally unreasonable. And imagine yourself losing it just a little and saying something really mean to them. That you instantly inside regret, but you don't know how to get through to them and you need to get their attention now.
Now imagine someone getting that on tape and reporting you for verbal abuse. And you facing years of jail for child abuse.
That's how fast it can happen. I think before we start talking any
jail, there must be a family assessment to determine whether there is any basis for an abuse charge.
A jail sentence will do IRREPARABLE damage to that child's psyche. Can you imagine the guilt complex of throwing a tantrum and your parent ending up behind bars for 20 yrs?
Having experienced childhood abuse, this is nothing and a mockery of what those laws were meant to do.
Give the mom a break, and if you really want to protect and help the family unit then facilitate counselling and classes teaching coping and parenting skills.
Honestly, that didn't even phase me. Certainly not admirable, but I'm not always admirable myself. If I were there, I'd have been more inclined to offer support than judge. It's not easy, this motherhood thing.
I am so with you. I can totally understand the frustration that can lead to THAT moment. I have often said "now I know why people beat their children" after especially trying incidents (not that I EVER would). I really think that if someone had offered assistance or even just distracted her it might not have got to that point. Us Moms have to stick together. When you see it escalating even just a kind word or knowing look can convey that we have been there and understand.
I don't condone the behavior but I understand it. I have been at the end of my rope and really, help is all I needed...not judgement. Judgement just makes it worse. It is like you are confirming that mother's worst fear which is that she cannot handle it and maybe she can't. Instead of punishing her, let's give her the tools to be successful. I mean, isn't that what we all want?
I agree that she probably doesn't deserve jail time so much as needs a social worker. But what did she think would happen so nonchalantly dragging her kid around like that in public?
The kid doesn't even appear to be yelling. The mom actually seems to be sending a message (Look at me!) to onlookers more than the kid.
Yikes
I can tell you that before I was a mom and I saw those leashes I thought man that is inhumane. But then I had two toddlers and got pregnant with twins...I used those leash things till they feel apart. While I never dragged my kids like that I have resorted to screaming and spanking. Kids are always testing their limits to see how much they can get away with. And sometimes it's easy to get them to stop the bad behavior and other times it drives us to insanity.
Why just this morning while I was trying to do an exercise dvd, my son was throwing pillows and other crap on the floor and when I only told him to stop...he decided to get my attention by spitting on the floor and then me. I snapped and yelled at him. I reached my limit.
It happens to everyone. I don't think she deserves jail time, just help in one form or another.
I am sure I will offend someone, but I actually laughed at that. Clearly she had been pushed to the point of indifference, but who hasn't been with a child that age in public?!?!? I'm sorry - I don't think she deserves any jail time for that. Perhaps just a little advice on when and when not to show her true colors. And what up with all the videos from Georgia??
I don't see what the big deal is. And I really don't see how so many commenters seem to think that screaming, yelling and spanking are more acceptable responses to defiance than calmly dragging a child out of a store. Jail time? What a waste of taxpayer dollars!
Right after this happened, I had a conversation with my best friend about it. She has no kids and other than short visits with friend's kids, she hasn't spent any real time with any and she went on and on about how awful it was and she should go to prison. I'm like, are you f%&king serious? Have you ever dragged your dog by it's leash? How is that different?
While I think dragging the kid was a little much, I could totally see myself doing it after being hounded and pestered and bothered and poked and so on all day.
I'm with Scary...seeing this didn't phase me in the least. She should be embarassed, but not imprisoned.
Pick up the child and leave. What has the world come to where we make excuses for losing control and possibly harming your child?
I had not heard of this until now.
Seriously?
There but for the grace of God (and some nosey idiot who would rather videotape the incident instead of offering a hand), go I.
Rapists and murderers on the street, but a chance of 20 years for this mom? The world is out of control.
This story was on Dr. Phil yesterday and I think he said it best when he asked his audience - would you like to be judged by a 13 second clip of your life?
I know I wouldn't because I'm not perfect. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I'm angry or petty or just plain not nice. That doesn't mean that I'm a bad person, just that I'm a real person.
{Also, the mother was on the show and said that her son was tired and it was a game they play around the house so the drag was just a way to occupy him, not punish.}
I think this is why my husband always refused to buy one of those leash things in spite of my pleas....
I have used a "leash" in the past, with my oldest. He never really took to it so I never used it with #2. However #2 is notorious for throwing tantrums in stores if she does not get EVERYTHING she wants. I have many times carried her kicking and screaming from the store. She will bite me and scratch me and has even wiggled free more than once. I have guided her out of the store by her shoulders more times than I can count. I wish she acted as calmly as that child in the video is acting. I do not fault the mom. I hope she does not go to prison. If it was me on that video you would see tears streaming down my face as I tug #2 out of the store while #1 walks closely behind trying to "get a ride too"
Dude, that is crazy.
My first reaction is, I hate it when people call those tethers "leashes". Yes, that's what they look like, but they are supposed to be used for safety, not for dragging a child.
But, me, my outbursts are more like quickies than something like that. I would be more likely to spank my child in public than drag them out of a store by the tether thing. Not that my actions are any better.
I think people need to realize that there are MANY different personalities of parents. Is a parent "better" if they choose to ignore their child's awful behavior but not spank them? I'd say that's just as criminal.
I don't think she belongs in prison BUT I can't judge the situation fairly either because it's 17 secs with no sound. For me, I would rather pick my child up than drag 'em like a dog like that. And if it hurt or caused severe rug burn then I'd say that wasn't the best way to handle it. Or was it smooth flooring? Cuz then that was probably fun.
I never liked those leashes anyway but then again, I only have 1 child. Going to watch vid again.
This is interesting. The child isn't even moving or protesting. And the mother appears so eerily calm. I wonder if this was a one time "I've lost my cool" moment that you've described, or a frequent occurence. We all have moments that we aren't proud of, so for that reason alone, they should give her the benefit of the doubt and lay off.
The thing that strikes me as odd is that the child doesn't seem to be protesting at all. And this is strange for two reasons, 1) if she were doing that while he was having a tantrum, wouldn't he STILL be having one and kicking and stuff (I know my kid would!) and 2) he looks unconscious to me, seriously!!
Anyway, I probably wouldn't do this mostly because of the embarrassment factor but admittedly, it's not out of the realm of possibility. We've all been at the breaking point.
Like a good family friend of ours always says, "I don't condone child abuse but that doesn't mean I don't understand it..."
Oh.....This is a hard one for me. I have a child who is very, very, very defiant and difficult. When there were four of them, 3 and under I would have to take them all shopping with me. This particular trip, we needed toilet paper and I mean needed. We were in a Target and my defiant child refused to leave the store. I had a newborn who was fussing because she needed to eat. A son with a disability sitting in the cart who was crying because he needed his diaper changed and was starting to undo the TP and a toddler that kept wandering away. So I started to leave with out her. I figured any three year old in her right mind seeing her mommy starting to leave would catch up. Oh, she caught up alright. She flung herself on the floor and held onto the bottom of the cart just above where the wheel attaches. I now have to hold the 18 months old toddler on my hip and push the cart with my other hand. The 3 year old refuses to get up and is screaming her head off. Of course the other three are all crying at this point. (I only wanted toilet paper.) I have tried negotiating, threatening, bribing, all with a clear head. She still refused to get up. This went on for 10 minutes with no let up. Finally I just started pushing the cart with her being drug along the ground. I hated every minute of it. The looks I got were unbelievable. Yet no one offered to help at all. By the time we made it to the door she stood up and stood at the front of the cart trying to push it back in the store. I still don't know how I ever made it to the car and put everybody safely in their car seats.
So, no, you won't here me offer any judgment here. That said, had I witnessed this, I'd like to think I would have asked her if there was something I could help her with.
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