I am in a mood.
I don't really know whats wrong but I am just feeling funking and sad. Last weekend, I spent time in my dark closet crying.
Maybe it was because I hate all my clothes and nothing fits right. I really don't like the way my body looks. I want to change it but lack the motivation and energy to do so.
Maybe its because there are people around me, whom I love dearly, who are hurting. Sometimes life can be so cruel. It is not fair. It makes absolutely no sense. It makes my heart heavy and sometimes I wonder if praying will help at all.
Maybe its because my youngest three children have decided that sleep is really no fun. They don't want to sleep at night and want to start their day at the ass crack of dawn. No matter how much I exhaust them during the day. No matter how early or late I put them to bed. No matter how long or short their nap is during the day. They just won't sleep at night. The other night, I settled into sleep and got to do it for about 30 minutes when the first escapee came into my room and woke me up. I spent the next 2 and half hours bringing that child and others back to bed. I have joked in the past about tying them to their beds but now I am not kidding. The next time I work, I am taking some restraints home with me. And don't even get me started on the battle to get them to go the sleep at night.
Maybe its because I am sick and tired of worrying about money and if Jeff and I will still have a job next week or next month. We really don't have reason to worry but you never know. Remember, life is cruel and just when you think that it can't happen to you that's when you are hit the hardest.
Maybe its because I feel left out. I don't feel like a belong in real life, on-line, anywhere. In my friendships, I feel like I am the one that picks up the phone, write the email, composes the texts. I don't feel valued.
Maybe its because I am bored. I feel like there needs to be change in my life but that actually scares the hell out of me. I am terrified of making that change no matter what it might be.
Maybe its because there is no ice cream in the freezer.
63 comments:
Oh honey. I think the first thing you need is a good night's sleep. Can Jeff or a family member watch everybody for one night (or better yet a whole weekend) and you go chill in a hotel with Jeff or a girlfriend or even by yourself? Seriously, if it weren't for Blogher this weekend, I would be on a ledge right now. Planning and thinking about it for the last so many months is the only thing that has kept me off the sauce. And I've only got one crazy kid. For your own sanity, you need to make it happen. Then, once you're refreshed a little, you can evaluate the rest of your life.
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Big time hugs.
I have NO advice for you so Iwanted to just offer you a ((HUG))
i pray you get sleep, have peace, and find ice cream :)
Oh poor you! *hugs*
Life always feels so much worse when you haven't had enough sleep.
I hope you get som emuch needed sleep and ice cream ASAP!
You're speaking to my heart, sweetie. I feel the exact way about my friendships...if you look at my phone calls that I receive, it's either my mom or my husband.
And I know I know that I just had Squirt but even before I got pregnant, I was SO unhappy with my body.
I'm pretty sure you're my soul twin. I am so sorry you're feeling this way; funks are no fun. I'll be praying for you. I really do hope you feel better.
I found your blog the other night and your post today made me feel not so alone in this craziness. my family is struggling with many things right now, and as much as i try to stay positive, it's hard. i'm sorry you are feeling so down. not having sleep or ice cream is a terrible combination...
I've been where you've been and yes, sleep-deprivation just magnifies everything. Nothing is ever quite as bad as it seems when you get some rest.
I agree with another commenter that you need a getaway. I've taken those before. It's amazing what even a day away from everyone, all the demands can do for your perspective.
Hang in there!
First of all, lack of sleep makes everything seem worse. Secondly, I've come to realize that some of us are the glue. Accept your role. Embrace it. It doesn't mean you are any less valued. Just that you are the glue.
If you are getting anything at all from your friendships, don't worry about who calls who first.
If not, then it's time to get new friends.
Hugs,
I have been in a funk too. I have no idea where it is coming from. I feel like Im on the verge of tears all the time...and its not even PMS!
So much unhappiness, but I'm sure it is magnified two-fold by your exhaustion. You need to sleep and go off with some friends for the afternoon to help reconnect with "YOU". Read a motivational self-help book over and over until it sinks into your psyche.
I too have been where you are now. I think at one time or another, we all get to that unhappy place. Did you read my blog entry the other day? Here it is so that you will know I KNOW how you feel...
http://theredheadriter.blogspot.com/2009/07/this-side-of-happy.html
Please read the comments by other bloggers. They KNOW how you feel too. Because we have been there, we will listen to you. Sometimes an "anonymous" listening ear is so helpful. That is why people go to therapy...it is somewhat anonymous.
If you need to talk, feel free to write me emails. I'm good at listening and you sound so unhappy.
You're now alone. There are many people you know that love and care about you. Hang in there and do a few things to help yourself like I mentioned above.
Here's to a better, more positive Thursday for you!!!
And here's a little blog love
♥
Right after I had the girls I just felt like if I had four straight hours of sleep all would be right with my world. And then it was a full night's sleep. It's amazing how your perspective can be changed by being able to sleep through the night. I know that you need to sleep before you go to Vegas...but can you just stay at a friend's house? Anything? To get a full night??
And as for the friend thing. I soooo understand. I feel like I have a group of friends. But for the most part, I feel like I am on the fringe. In...but not completely. All I can do is offer you some virtual hugs...and say that I CANNOT wait to meet you in Vegas!
I've spent some time in that darkness too...that place that doesn't let any positive thoughts in... that place that makes you see the worst in everything... I think we all visit it at some point in our lives.. I hope your visit is a short one.
I'm so sorry you're feeling his way... huge hugs to you... and you certainly do fit in, in the blogging community, at home with your family, etc. I think we all go through funks like this, for sure. I'm sort of going through one now. Take care of yourself...
If anything, know that you are not alone in these feelings, I think I could have written a few of those points myself..
I was close to getting toddler beds a few weeks ago when my cribs got recalled- I'm kinda glad we got new cribs! And I plan and keeping them in those crib tents until they figure out how to escape those too!
Moods come and go. The dark ones are scary when they stay too long. Sleep is definitely a huge key. There are some books out there about getting your child(ren) to sleep through the night but since mine are past that stage I don't know what they are. Sorry I can't be of much help but don't forget, "This too shall pass."
One day you'll be where I am where my youngest (or your 3) have graduated from high school and you'll wonder where in the world did all that time go?
I wish I knew what to say but I dotn I feel the same way you do about most of these problems! It sucks but at least we have blogging & blogger friends!
I think we all feel this way a lot of the time. And I also think Ice Cream is very important and lack of sleep has a lot to do with it.
One thing that makes me feel better, and I hope I don't offend you, is sex. I'm just saying...
Oh jen. I think I could've written this post :(
(or, at least a very good portion of it.)
I am certain that having sleepless nights doesn't help... I am there as well, as Will hasn't been sleeping with all of the disruptions in his schedule and I am paying for it dearly. UGH!
Find something that really makes you happy (for me, it's photography) and just make some time for it, when you really, really need it.
(((HUGS)))
ps I have to agree with Jenn above. Sex helps ;)
(even when your self-image isn't good. Hubby still LOVES you!)
I'm neither condoning nor advising this, but FOR ME -- it took medication. Without my happy pills I am also crying in the closet. I found out after blood tests that I had peri-menopause. I'm 40... so maybe some of it is hormonal?
I'm hoping you can get away for awhile, for a weekend, whatever it takes for a change of scene.
Aw don't feel like you don't belong anywhere. I mean I read all of your Tweets. And I'm the one who feels like a nerd because I all respond and sometimes I don't hear back from you. So then I think "OMG, she's so not into me and what I have to say." Which then leads me to start thinking about what I am saying wrong and it just turns in to this spiraling thought process.
But, I can't wait to meet up with you in Vegas. I think we all have our funky days. I love it that you called it that. I used to always tell my husband...I'm in a funk. And he would get all irritated because he couldn't understand what I meant. It's like, I'm not depressed, but I'm not my happy self. Somewhere in between. Cheer up girl! You can always start over tomorrow!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling down! I've been in a funk recently, too. It's a strange time to live. And as far as feeling like you always pick up the phone -- I feel that way too! But know that people are out there and that they care about you. I love reading your blog and I hope things get better soon.
I'm sorry you are feeling like that :( I'm sorry your kids don't sleep through the night and Im most sorry you find comfort in the closet. I found it in the bathroom.
I felt the exact same way before I started my blog. And I'm not going to pretend I have a solution for you, but for me, I had to find myself again. I got lost when my oldest was born way before I was ever ready to be a mom. I lost so many friends (almost all) because while I was a huge knocked up whale, they were away at college getting drunk thinking I was nuts. And for me, moms didn't drink. Moms didn't party. Moms didn't get crazy and let loose even when the kids weren't around. Luckily I've lost that stupid notion. That's part of the reason my blog focuses so much on me, who I was, who I think I am, and not my kids. That couple hours is for just me..not mommy. So this is way too long, but just know I get excited when I see you comment on my post and love reading your tweets. I think you rock.
I've been in that place, too. I try to remember "This too will pass." Not always easy.
I value you. You and your blog. It lights up my day.
Oh Jen. I am so sorry. You've been a great support for me while I've been losing it. I want to come over and give you a great big hug and a bottle of wine. And some ice-cream for your freezer.
You were right. There are things about a c-section that are not all that bad. The catheter was pretty darn good, and the spinal morphine took the pregnancy pain right away.
The rest of the c-section though - wow. I don't plan to do that again.
Thanks for your love and support through all this. You're a great friend.
Oh Jen, I don't have much advice - what I can tell you is that not sleeping certainly compacts everything else. Speak to your pedi and ask if you can give them something to help sleep for just 3 nights or so or hire somebody to stand in for 2 nights - you will feel so much better.
It is also true that at certain ages we start to question where we are and if we are in fact doing what we feel we should right now - I think you are right there if I remember correctly. Just assure yourself that it is 100% normal.
I can also offer the wonderful practice of a gratitude journal - write down 5 things that you are grateful for every day - when you get to a day where you can not think of anything, read back and count the blessings.
And if all fails - here's a huge hug, know that I love you and have some chocolate.
I was feeling pretty bad for you and then you said that there was no ice cream in the freezer and I just felt terrible! How are you making it?! Ice cream is like um, well, more important than water to me! lol. Seriously, though, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I've been there too...and you've got the 2 year old blues times 3. Hang in there...praying it gets better!
First....((hugs))
I understand you 100%. Are we related???
You need sleep. When I was up with baby I wanted to divorce my husband, run away from my kids and hide from the world.
As for friends. I so understand. It has gotten to the point that I am no longer trying because I am always the one "trying". At some point you just have to give up. If people want you in their lives, they should make the effort. if not, find new friends.
I am not that far.......
thanks Jen...I always know that you understand.
Saw your Tweet. Glad you are feeling better. Down in the dumps is no place for awesome people like you. It's for those of us that really suck:). Smile, lady. You deserve to!
So I saw your tweet this morning and had to run over here and see what was going on cause I'm nosy like that. And.... that just sucks. i feel ya though. nobody gets me either. nobody. Even, or should I say especially the people who I think should. as for the sleep thing all i can say is thank God for Disney Channel and naps on the couch. They will get older...it will get easier. Or so I'm told. Every time I get mine older I go and have another one. So I'm not really sure but it sounds good and it's something to look forward to so I'm just gonna go with it. I'll let ya know for sure when I get there ;)
I'm so sorry you are feeling down. We all do at some point. This economy is not helping but it IS going to get better!
You know, you have alot on your plate and are doing a FABULOUS job with those babies! It is obvious they love you to pieces!
I'm not sure if this will help, but my son is 2 and has started a "nap boycott". So I put him in his bed with 3 books that he chooses. he "reads" and falls asleep and then will wake up again and read some more and fall back to sleep. it is really dark in his room with blackout shades, but i pull them up so that a little light comes in and he can see some.
You know, you may want to talk to your doctor about some mild happy pills. They honestly help out alot...just to get over this hump.
I love your blog...I love your kids...you are hilarious and you have alot of people that admire you!!
I'm guessing this might have a little to do with PMS no? Seriously, I think we all have these moments. I find myself crying about people I've never met and worrying about things that I cannot control. We all need to relax & take a break sometimes.
I think it's your turn.
I hope all your comment love has given you a few warm fuzzies. You are definitely not alone! And meds helped for me too. I don't know if that's where you're at, but if you continue to feel this way for much longer (and after a good night's sleep!) then look for some help. It's what YOU would tell any of US to do! =)
Have a good day!
Sleep will help. Turn their doorknob around and lock them in. Even just for one night. Or for a few hours. That way you don't have to fill out the restraint log...
You are surrounded by blogger friends; look at all of your comments, written by people who love you for you.
Are you texting me? Like, right now? Man, great minds...
sorry you're in the dumps :-( sounds like you need a really good night's sleep. easier said than done, i know. about the weight thing - i have to tell you that i joined weight watchers online after my second son was born and really loved it. over the course of about 6-8 months i dropped about 50 lbs and seriously felt 100000% better about myself. it's a super easy program and takes very little time :-)
good luck! ((hugs))
{{{hugs}}}
Get some ice cream, then plan a weekend away for you and Jeff, even if you just drop the kids at grandma and grandpas and hit a hotel in town. At least you will get some sleep :)
I'm not a mommy or a wife but I can relate to the queries about prayer. You are not alone. After my illness I never slept. I had a stroke during my sleep so the notion of sleep made me paranoid and everything annoyed me.
I can also relate to being bored. I've been out of work since last September and I thought that if I watched another moment of TV I'd go batty so I turn to blogging and discovered this wonderful community. Reach out when you need support and try to get some sleep however you can and I'm sending affection your way.
This probably is the last thing you want to hear, but when I'm in a bad place like that, working out helps. It boosts my mood and helps me feel like I am being proactive in changing what I don't like about my body and the way my clothes fit.
But you're also sleep deprived! If you want a good night's sleep, take the kids to the pool or hook up a Slip-N-Slide in your backyard. Outside + sun and heat + hard playing usually keeps Elizabeth in bed for the entire night. :)
I don't have anything different to say than what everyone else said but know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for some sleep and peace!
We've all been there - oh isn't the ups and downs of motherhood, adulthood, and LIFE in general fun??
Hang in there and I hope you find some time to rejuvenate yourself, get some rest and take some time to smile! :-)
*hugs*
i have been there so many times...sometimes for good reason + others for no reason at all. today, i am feeling disconnected + a bit blue, so i try to hold onto the fact that tomorrow will probably bring brighter days. just hang in there + know that if you need me i am just an email or a text away. i am so sorry i have been such a bad friend lately, i have been so wrapped up in my own stuff i have been remiss in keeping touch. i do miss you + i do value you...hugs!
oh how i can relate on an entirely different level... lonely? um yeah... i live in freakin' india and have a very small group of ladies of which to choose as friends. very, very small... as in i have 1 close girlfriend. can't just pick up and go to the mall... can't go to a coffee shop and just sit... can't just sit back and relax.
i get it... i truly get it. sending hugs your way - and looking forward to their return!
I am so sorry. I get like this sometimes too- especially about body image. Get yourself some ice cream, and I think that everything else will start to look better.
you are not alone. i love and cherish our friendship more than you know and more than i express. life just sometimes gets in the way. i too spend a good deal of time crying in hidden places and wonder many of the same things that you have expressed. i have no advice, just well wishes that in time this too shall pass.
I can relate to all of those feelings! Except the ice cream...there is ALWAYS ice cream in the freezer! *hug*
I get these little slumps every once in awhile, too. I wish I could tell you how to fix it, but I haven't figured it out yet either. The best I can tell you is to keep pushing through. And you certainly do have a special place in the blogosphere. I look forward to coming here everyday, and there would surely be a void without your presence.
Sending big, squeezy hugs your way...
Hugs and kisses your way. I'm in the boat with you completely- even the no ice cream in the freezer. Maybe if we remedy that, things will look up?
Jen,
First off I wanted to say a big Thanks for stopping by my place the other day. That was kind of you. I read your post and hope things get better. I think we all get in a funk and I get like that too. I am not sure why we do this. I hope those babies stay in bed. I know I have a child that does not sleep much either. Try and have a great day....
Thanks again...
Oh Jen...we've all felt like that. I think I'm going through it right with you actually. You definitely belong! And some day our kids will sleep...and maybe we will too. :)
It's good to vent though. I'm here to listen. I wish I had ice cream too...
Everyone goes through times like this; in fact, I'm in a similar funk myself. Blogging is such a great way to vent without whining your best friend or spouses ears off, but I do think at a certain point you should talk to the hubby so you can get a little break. ((Hugs)) and well wishes!
No ice cream in the freezer!?!?! Are you effing kidding me!?!
To be honest we are living mirrored lives in a lot of ways. I've totally been in a funk too. No locking in closets yet, but...never say never.
My problems have mostly been centered around Pat...and just feeling like a servant in this house. If someone spills something it's just assumed that mom will pick it up. I'm constantly in motion over here with little to no thanks.
And then I feel guilty on top of it because I sit here and complain about my kids and my husband when there are people out there LOSING their kids and their husbands.
Sigh.
Are we starting our periods?? I hope that's what the cause of this funk is. Maybe since we read eachothers blogs so much our periods are in synch now...
Regardless...things will start looking up. Laughing with friends helps though! Try to get away to a friends house one of these nights!! I'm sorry. Things will get better!
Been there!! I'm not too fun to live with when I'm there...Aaron takes the brunt of my sadness. And I am there now with the body thing. I had lost so much weight after both the boys...I did so well. I had changed and I knew what I needed to do to keep it going. Then I "fell off the wagon" and it's a complete crap shoot now. I hate the way I look and how I look in clothes. Don't get me wrong, I've always been big and Aaron loves me the way I am. But I don't right now...things are changing and sagging and not just due to age but weight. I want to be healthy too. Right now I'm not. I need motivation too, but I don't know what will work anymore.
Plus, when I am losing weight and exercising I am happier (after the exercising is done that is...)
I went on vacation and thought maybe I was crazy for buying four pints of ice cream, but I know it is just stress! I have three 21 month old babies who sound just like yours! I can't even fathom the idea of a good nights sleep, even when they do sleep I wake up in these panic attacks now. I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. All I can say is, pray for strength. I also understand that burning desire to have something else in your life but then being scared to death of it. Just remember you are not alone!!!!
Exhaustion is the primary issue here and the first one (but admittedly, as a parent it's the hardest one) to tackle.
A well-rested mind enables you to cope much more easily with the many stresses of everyday life.
There is no easy fix here, but I hope you find a good night's sleep to start with.
First things first....get to the store and stock up on ice cream. I never have less than 2 tubs of ice cream in the freezer for emergencies. And here I sit eating Kit Kat bars for dinner.
I do think lack of sleep is contributing to how you're feeling. I can relate...when I don't get enough sleep, I feel like I could cry for days. I have no patience with the kids, I rip everyone's heads off, I just feel like no one understands how hard it is.
Since the little twins have migrated to toddler beds, there isn't a night that goes by that I have gotten more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep. I feel like I have entered hell. I get where you are....I just totally get it.
Jen, you have such a way with words....there are probably so many moms out there who are reading this post and their hearts are going out to you, just like mine is.
Too bad we don't live closer. I'd come over and bring 2 huge tubs of ice cream just for you and me, while we sit on chaise lounges in my backyard while the kids run amuck doing whatever (as long as they're letting us eat our ice cream in peace)!
Sending huge (((HUGS))) to you, my friend!
Oh girl, I am so sorry for your funk. I have been there, we all have, for different reasons. I just don't write about them only because I am posting recipes. But at least once every few months I am in a major funk.
1st, get some ice cream in the freezer (sorry but you cracked me up with that ending).
As everyone else said, you need sleep first & foremost. And how can you feel like you don't belong. Uh, look at all these supportive comments. Everyone admires you for your honesty & courage to say what is really on your mind. And we all want you to get out of your funk. Sometimes you just have to ride out the funk too.
You should come to FL for a weekend. Seriously yo.
I feel like I could have written this post...every last word...from how I look to being the one working at friendships. I even have to go so far as to defend myself to my mom who seems to rag on me for keeping up certain friendships that are important to me. From your post today, it sounds like you've gotten some loving comments already, but know that you aren't alone. Many of us struggle day to day. I can go from feeling like the luckiest woman in the world one day to thinking about everything your wrote about the next day. I feel tired all the time. I know part of it is lack of sleep from my sleep deprivation sensor (aka my 8 month old), but I feel like I'm abnormal, the only person who feels that way and something is wrong with me and then I talk to people and realize I'm not alone and it really makes me feel so much better.
Read this yesterday and send hugs via Twitter. Now I'm finally getting to comment here. I'm sorry you are in a funk. I think a lot of us are in the same place. I know I am.
And I get the sleep. If that was one thing I could get enough of, I know EVERYTHING would be better. My day-to-day mood hinges on how much sleep I get. I completely understand.
You'll pull through this. Just hang on and do your best!
First, I value you!
Second, I can totally relate. I can remember crying my eyes out from sheer exhaustion when the girls were little.
I don't think any of us really realized just how, emotionally and physically draining parenting can be!
I need to make a change as well and it scares me to death.
Hang in there my dear! {{{Hugs}}}
Oh Dear. I feel so bad for you. I wish I could do something ... like come up with a magic spell to make your children sleep. Not getting sleep on a regular basis makes the world look like a very dark place.
And money troubles? That will stress everyone out.
The other stuff is how I feel often too.
Hang in there. Realize that there is a place for you (don't you just realize how much blog world loves you????) and just keep swimming. It will get better.
Hugs!
i hope the weekend finds you feeling better. congrats on the POTD mention.
I am so felling the same way today! Nice to see someone else with the same thoughts, I just didn't know that I had so many of the same feeling, I was just tired and thought that was it. Life's tiring!!! I put a post last night when I couldn't sleep, but I was blaming my for year old!!! How pitiful is that?!?! Please stop by www.drakenaylortoday.blogspot.com and read on today/yesterday's post... what day is it anyway? Whocares.
Oh yea, the reason I'm here in the first place is I'm going to VEAGS and tring to say hey to a few fello SITS.
p.s. Looks like you have 277 friends (at least) when you're feeling left out of the world. I think I only have 11! What am I doing wrong? Oh yea, I have several blogs. please stop by when you can
Keep focused on V-E-G-A-S baby!!!
girlie - you are awesome - just remember that!! no sleeping is key - I don't think I have had more than 4 hours of sleep in one period of time in about 10 years - it gets easier!!!!!
HUGS HUGS and even bigger HUGS to you. I am also having some of the exact same concerns and issues that you are right now. Just please know you are not alone.
: )
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