I need to unload. I have a few things that are hanging heavy on my heart right now. This is not my usual posting material but I need to vent and get somethings out of my head. This blog is about my true life. You don't have to read it, its just me unloading because remember this is kind of my therapy.
I am so disappointed in myself. I am becoming a parent that yells. I didn't want to be a yeller. I really try not to yell. It is just so ugly. I hate it when I do it. But I don't know what else to do.
Hayden is picking up this habit and yells at the babies. I don't want that. In fact, I hate that he does that and I hate it more that he has learned it from me.
How else am I suppose to get them to stop a behavior with out yelling. I ask, again and again and again but they keep doing it and doing it, over and over and over again. It just pushes me to the braking point and I snap and yell. I hate the looks in there eyes, fear. I don't want my kids to fear me. That is not right.
Its like the stress just keeps building and building and then in a yell, it bursts out of me. But why does it have to be a yell. Why can't I control myself better.
Why are kids so good at pushing your buttons, all the buttons that bring out the worst in you. How can these little people that I love more than life itself push me to the limit almost every single day?
I find myself giving into them just so that they will stay quiet and not cry, yet again. I can't keep doing this. I don't want my children to walk all over me.
I told Jeff yesterday, that I just wanted to drink all day every day to avoid dealing life. He told me that's an Alcoholic. Oh yeah, well I guess that is not the option.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do. This parenting thing just seems to get harder and harder and they get older. I guess I am not surprised. I just never realized how big of a job it really is.
I feel kinda silly that right now, I don't like my kids very much. I can't even believe that I am having these thoughts when my very, very good friend of mine has a child who is fighting for his life.
My friend went in yesterday, to have a planned c-section. Everything was fine but I guess shortly after delivery, he went into respiratory distress. He was rushed across town to the Children's Hospital and placed ventilator.
So she is at one hospital and the baby is at another. My heart just aches for her. I can't imagine what she is going through. I just feel so helpless. I know what its like to have your family (they already have a son who just turned 2) in two different places but I don't know what its like to have a child fight for his life.
It has got to be killing her not being able to be there. She told me when I talked to her, that she didn't even get to hold him. She just got a quick glimps before he was taken away. I know that her arms must ache for him.
She is an ICU nurse just like me, in fact we work together and that is where we met. ICU nurses don't sit still very well. We are must better doing something. I know that I want to do something so I can't imagine what she must be going through.
I feel ridiculous for having all these feeling about how my kids are driving me nuts and then at the same time my friend is going through this terrible ordeal. I really just want to crawl into a little ball and cry my eyes out. Think that I just might.
So please, if you have a moment, say a prayer for this little boy. Wish them well, send some good thought their way.
I am sorry for the somber note of this post. I usually don't do this but it is how I am feeling. I didn't want to post anything today so that my previous post could stay up but now it all seems kinda silly and unimportant.
Funny how quickly things in life change, one minute you are excited about something and the next you don't know if you can pick up the pieces and go on.
*sigh* Thanks for listening. I feel a little better now that its all out.
Deux par Deux Has The Cutest Kid Clothes
4 days ago
31 comments:
I love your post. I think blogging is a great and cheap form of therapy. A great way to get it all out. And, I totally relate. I can yell at the kids one minute and miss them like crazy the next minute. Motherhood is such a range of emotions.
Jen, you are a great mom. We all have periods where we are not the mom we thought we would be, but you know, real life is a lot different than the ideal one we thought we would have. You love your babies like crazy, they know that, and this is just a hard age where they are testing you every minute. Just hang in there and remember, this too shall pass.
Praying for your friend and her baby. Hope everything is okay.
I'll be thinking of and praying for your friend and her son. Such a scary and heartwrenching situation.
As for your feelings. I wish I didn't tell too. I'm always amazed with moms with super twins. I know what a difference having twins is compared to one, I can't even fathom adding in one more. I don't think people realize how tremendously taxing it is. Getting meals, trying to meet everyones needs......keeping THEM out of trouble. I'll bet you don't sit down all day. Thinking of you!
Hey, mama ... it's what most moms go to blogging for - THERAPY!
I truly feel for you. I also became a mom who yells ... motherhood is a fine line to walk without yelling. Esp with the number of kids under 5YO that you have to tend to.
*praying* It's all I can do for you from the bloggesphere, but I am doing it REALLY hard :-)
remember these words and repeat them as needed.
this is not everyday, this is just today. 10 minutes from now this situation will not be the same. this is not every moment, it is just this (crappy) moment.
o, and the saying the same thing over and over does not end...make peace with it...try telling yourself you didn't already say that.
hoping for a better day for you.
I have horrible guilt when I yell... and if I want Graham to listen... I have to yell REAL loud.. He's had that scared look in his eyes too and the guilt just keeps piling up....
I know exactly how your friend feels... I'll be thinking of her and her baby.
Sending best wishes and lots of prayers your friends way and yours also!!
I'm sorry things have been tough for you lately...reading your post gave me the chills because I have been there done that and felt exactly the same way you described. I wish I had sage advice that I could dispense and poof! all the troubles would disappear, but I'm still working out the kinks myself. Just remember not to be too hard on yourself...it's an ongoing learning experience and what works for one kid, one family, one parent isn't going to necessarily work across the board. You are a good Mommy...I can tell this by your loving, caring, nurturing posts and pictures.
*hugs* feel better!!
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I yell...even though I try to be all "zen." I have just realized that kids do things that make parents yell. You are human. Raising kids is super hard sometimes. I wrote a blog recently titled: "How can I possibly retain my Zen-like composure when my children are driving me to exhaustion?" Take a few moments for yourself and don't feel guilty! Tomorrow is a new day!
I think you are human. We all get pushed by our kids. It's their job. To push, and push and we are supposed to remain composed. Right. My husband can count on two hands how many times I have called him at work and said "And she is going to stay in her room until I can control myself". You are normal. Just by asking the question proves that you are a good mom. And tomorrow, you will try again and be better.
I would recommend 123-Magic, a system to get kids to listen to you without your blood pressure going up at the same time. The only thing is I'm not sure your 3 little ones are old enough to understand the concept. With the 12-24 month olds you pretty well just have to grin and bear it as they don't have enough cognitive or reasoning skills to 'persuade' them to do things or get them to listen to you. Life will be much, much easier when they are all a little older. I remember when each of mine turned 3 I noticed a huge difference in how much better they behaved and how much they could be trusted to do the right thing. I can't imagine how difficult it must be with so many little ones at once. Anyway you might want to check out 123-Magic for down the road or to use with your older one.
cheers,
Blueberry
I don't even drink, but there are days I consider taking it up because, well, kids just do that to you!
When my kids started getting older, I relaized that I was becoming a yeller mom. I hated it and wanted so much to change. I started taking Love and Logic classes and WOW what a difference. It is very hard to stop the habits that we already have, but it can change. Check it out, they have a web site for classes and I took mine from the Continuing Education department of our local school district. It was the best thing I have ever done to change my parenting. I wish you good luck. Parenting is the hardest job we will ever have and in some ways the one that we are least prepared to handle.
Sending prayers for your friend and baby.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a great mother because you care so.
I gave you an award on my blog. I hope it helps to brighten your day.
Oh Jen. I don't even want to say all the trite things, like "you're doing great considering that you have 4 little ones" but that isn't going to help much. When it sucks, it sucks. And as moms we are our own worst critics. When I'm faced with a situation that I keep repeating, even though I would prefer not to handle it that way, I MUST have a game plan for exactly what I'm going to do differently when it comes up again. As in, to the point of writing out a list: here are my options of what to do instead of (insert whatever behavior you want to change here). Simple, but when I'm under pressure it is the only thing that works for me.
You have to cut yourself some slack. I don't know anyone else that works full time (in a fast paced job, nonetheless) with that number of young children. And your feelings are no less important, just because your friend is going through a terrible ordeal. Your feelings are valid to YOU and YOUR situation. You seem to be such an involved and caring mother, but everyone is going to have days they feel like they'd like to just run off and leave the kids to fend for themselves!
Lots of love to both you and your friend. You can always vent here, your bloggy friends will listen!
ooooo ... I like what hartcentral said! I think I need to start saying that ... over and over and over! :)
I will be saying a prayer for your friend...
And one for you, too!
There are many days where it seems all I do is yell. And yell. Then yell some more. And I think, I didnt sign up for this... why aren't my kids listening to me? I hear nothing but praise from parents of my daughters' friends, about how well they behave when over at their houses. Of course, I say thanks, but in my head I'm all "why the crap do they not listen to me?!?!"
About a month ago, I got so fed up I said, "Lord, I've got to get out of this house! No one here listens to me!" ...to which my youngest asked if Mommy and Daddy are going to break up "you know, like Nana and Poppy" (my parents who divorced about 5 years ago). Talk about GUILT! Oh, I felt so bad! I explained to my girl that all I meant was that maybe Mommy needs to go spend a weekend with my sister so I can relax and come back a better mommy.
So, to wrap up this incredibly long comment, I think its completely normal to have these feelings. And my advice would be to try and take it one day at a time. Maybe today was a bad day... but that doesnt mean tomorrow has to be a bad one, too.
You're SO not alone. I always applaud those mothers who can do everything without raising their voice. I'm not one of them.
Like you, I love my children, but there are definitely days that I don't like them (or rather their behavior).
Hold tight - take a deep breath - and drink a cocktail... sometimes 2 is better.
I'll "cheer" you from here!
Well, Jen, this is sometimes just a crappy time in life.
There I said it.
We all love our kids to death, but sometimes, trying to be everything to everyone just sucks.
You are an inspiration and a fantastic mom. The fact that you are even recognizing that you don't want to yell is more than most of us!
It gets easier when you take away the stuff they love... muuuuhahahahahaha.. My son has this stupid crystal egg that he can't imagine living without. That's my power.
I'm going to say a prayer for you as well as Mom & Baby...I don't know if all of that is common knowledge @ work yet or not, but if it is, please keep me posted. I'm definitely thinking of them.
Oh my - did you just crawl straight out of my head? Every night I go to bed and say "I'm not going to yell at the girls in the morning" and then in the morning after 30 minutes of trying to get people to get out of bed, I loose it, and I start yelling. And I HATE it. I LOVE my girls all the time... sometimes I don't like them very much.
I don't have magic answers. I've tried this and that... and... so far I haven't hit on the thing that works for us.
So... just know that I totally understand.
Oh gosh. I will say a prayer for your friend as well. Please give us an update as soon as you have one!! And don't say sorry for venting. I only have one child and he is low maintenance so I do not feel the need to yell often. HOWEVER, when I am rushed in the AM and still sweating from my shower which gets me cranky and I can feel the extra 6 lbs on me which makes me nutty, sometimes I feel like I am going to yell if he does not listen. I don't like to yell so I take a deep breath, I bow my head and I whisper softly to him but sternly. I have to say, it usually works. Good luck.
I'm sorry you are having a rough day. It truly sucks, and yeah, it is amazing that you do hold it together the majority of the time with four kids! My goodness!
I think it is excellent that you are recognizing that you don't want to yell. I grew up with a mom who yelled. I didn't get spanked, and I rarely got grounded. However, she would store up all of her frustration and then explode in anger. It was scary and awful. My friends used to call it "the wrath of Lynda." Not pretty.
It sounds like you have gotten some good suggestions here. The only thing I have to add is to just try communicating more often. When you start getting frustrated, tell them or tell your husband. Don't bottle it up. I found myself becoming a yeller even with my husband, and I don't like it. I've found that if I communicate my feelings more often, I have less of a tendency to have that explosion of yelling.
Take it for what it's worth, but just know that I'm thinking of you and your friend. *hugs*
We all do it. Some may not show others or admit it, but everyone does at times. And as far as I'm concerned guilt goes along with being a Mom. We just keep going, that's what Moms do...we get it back together. My heart breaks for your friend, I hope everything is okay. Please let us know. Hugs for you.
First of all, I think it takes a lot of courage to actually admit all the things you're feeling. I feel those things too sometimes, but I'm afraid to voice them, like if I say it out loud (or write it down) then it actually is true.
The good part is that you are not alone. Frankly, it sucks to feel the way you do, but lots of "Wonderful Super Mommies" even have their days just like you do. Try to remember that your kids will not always be this way. I think the stage you are in now is definitely the toughest. Try to remember that the triplets are doing what they're doing to test the boundaries and learn what the rules are. They aren't naughty (well, not on purpose, anyway!) they are just exploring how much is okay and what is not okay. I know it is easy to give in just to have some peace. But I would recommend, pick your battles. Yes, give in to not eating all your carrots. No do not give in to letting them sass you or hit each other. Those are just examples.
When you are super frustrated, try to give them a job that will keep them busy. Like, pour out some Cheerios and have them sort them into 3 piles, to make a snack for each of the triplets. (Like, one here, one here, one here. Two here, two here, two here. etc.) Then have Hayden count the number of Cheerios in each pile. That will keep them busy! Or even, pick out your clothes for tomorrow. Or, take a piece of paper and make placemats for everyone for dinner. When you feel like you're gonna yell, try to redirect them.
I admit it, some days when I feel like I am about to raise up my hand and slap the crap out of my kid, instead I draw them in and hug them TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT because that way I am still having physical contact and it helps me release that agitation building up inside me. Also it helps my kids calm down too. Usually after the big hug I look them directly in the eye and say, "I will always love you, whether you are good or naughty. But right now I am not very proud of your behavior. You are smart and a big boy/girl, and you can do better. I love you and I want YOU to be proud of yourself. Try to make mommy proud of you, okay?"
Hey, it doesn't always work, but it's better than calling them stupid and smackin them around. I'm trying to stay away from that. I hear that ain't no good. (hee hee jusk jokin)
I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and sending you a big virtual hug. Eventhough I am fairly new at this mommy thing, I know that we all have bad mommy days. It doesn't make us any less of a mom, or even mean that we love or appreciate our kids any less. We are only human after all. We just have to remember that tomorrow is a new day. And always use your blog to vent. That's what we're all here for!
I am also saying a prayer for your friend. I can't even imagine what she is going through...
That what blogging is to me. Therapy.
It clears my head, and you get what you get. Sometimes funny and happy. Sometimes angry and sad.
It makes us all feel more human and normal to read that others are just like us out there.
Onto the subject at hand. I have said the same thing and so have my friends. There are times we just don't like our kids, wether we say it, blog it, or think it. And suddenly gasp that we are inhuman for even thinking it.
But for me 24/7 with a 2 year old, a 4 month old, 2 dogs, and 2 cats is enough to drive me insane. Yes there are days I want to just run away, or drink it all away. But I don't.
Because you read stories like your friends, and realize that your lucky to have winey kids, that are driving you nuts. Because someone out there is begging for that moment, or any moment with there child.
I wish your friend the best. I have no clue how to cope with not being able to hold my baby. I guess you just do what you can with what your given.
Glad you feel better, that's what were here for.
Jacki
Fellow SITSta
I struggle with yelling myself. It is just so hard sometimes when I think they can't hear me, obviously, because they aren't doing what I asked. In all honesty, I really almost had a complete break down a couple of years ago. We were living a two day drive away from family and close friends. I had 4 kids all under 4. It was brutal. I found a book that saved me. The link follows if your interested. It really works when I remember to use it. I really feel like the parent I want to be when I remember to use the things I learned in that book.
I will keep your friend and her little man in my prayers.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/pc-121-25-love-and-logic-magic-for-early-childhood-book.aspx
You are not alone in any of these feelings. I too feel like a pressure cooker and just keep calm until I can't take it anymore and it just comes out...in a yell...and ugly. But it gets their attention. Sadly. My kids are older so now I just take things away from them. But I do still yell sometimes and I do feel awful. Yes, sometimes they drive us crazy..but they wouldn't be kids if they didn't. Just let yourself feel the way you do...and then smother them with hugs and kisses. My daughter and I have been doing that to dissipate the anger...it has really helped. As for your friend, I will pray for them. Please let us know how she is doing.
I'm not even going to offer advice, because I know you just needed to vent. We all reach that point off and on.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her baby. I hope she can be reunited with him soon and that he's doing better.
Hang in there. Take things a little bit at a time. You'll be ok, I promise, and if not, we're here to listen!
Jen...I see you received plenty o' support for this post, but I just wanted to say you are VERY normal. I know you don't WANT to feel that way, but we all go through it...some more than others. I spent the last 10 years of my life in a love/hate relationship with being a SAHM...some days I felt like I just couldn't take it. Do I yell? Yes. Do I want to? Not really. But...my girls are respectful and mostly well disciplined, and no matter how much yelling goes on...there's always more hugs and kisses. You'll be fine.
First, I will say a prayer for your friend and her family. Do not feel bad for yelling. i too NEVER wanted to be a Mom who yells. They DO push your buttons and I would get SO frustrated repeating myslef. One day though I realized that as hard as it was I could control it. I realized that i did not yell in public and I would never yell at my friend's children. So I made a deal with myself that I would work on controlling it. It has been hard and I still slip up sometimes but I yell A LOT less. I would HIGHLY recommend a book called "Smart Discipline" It has helped our family so much and I have a Ph.D in marriage and family;) Also, when I have lost it with my kids, I apologize when I cal down. I tell them that even though what they did was wrong, it is not okay for Mommy to yell. I think it is good for them to see that we are human too.
Blessings.
Kim
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